just scream it out

I wish i could go out somewhere and SCREAM at the top of my lungs. I have so much pent up frustration and i have no way to let it out. I know i have some people that i can talk to, but more often then not i feel bad unloading on them. I hate it, because i need to release, but i don't want anybody else to have to handle it either. Maybe i should start activly practicing again. Maybe that would really help with all the things that are going on. I know i can leave it in their hands, and that they could handle the pressure. I need to do something, i know that much. It's exausting to have to carry this around so much.

The love of my life that killed himself has been haunting me lately. I've been told that it's not him haunting me, but me haunting him, and i guess i can understand that. He does keep telling me to let him go, that i deserve to have a good life, and he's sorry, and i just can't let it go. I don't understand why i can't be good enough for someone to stay alive for, especially when he told me he loved me so much and all that jazz. I guess just thinking about him makes me feel worthless.

I have one steady friend i can talk to all the time right now, and it's depressing. We are both in a similar situation, and i don't want to speak about it right now, but it's not fun to be here. It's nice to have someone who can understand what's going on, and how it feels to be dealing with it. It's really sad for me because i have so many people that i USED to be close to, but i rarely get to talk to them, and i hardly ever get to see them, and when we do get to see each other, it's just for a few minutes, maybe an hour or two, and then it's over. We don't get to go out and do things the way we used to. I hate it, more then i can ever put into words. Maybe eventually i can get back into a place where i feel comfortable around people, without any outside influence, like alcohol or anything like that.

That one steady friend told me today that i have been drinking too much again. I guess it's just because it's me doing it, i don't think about how much i've downed. I know tonight i want to down an entire bottle, lol. I can't, and i know i can't, and i wont. But that doesn't make that feeling go away, you know? The withdrawl alone is enough to make me want to never really quit. If i could be a functioning drunk, i would so live that way. It helps me forget about all the shit that goes on in my life, and about all the things that i've seen and done in the past. It's exausting, and i know i say that all the time. I wish i could find someone else that was able to really help me with this. Maybe i can get together with some of those people sometime soon, so i can relax things.

Tonight i need to get the living room actually picked up and the clothes put up, which i really don't feel like doing. I am also going to make Dorito cassarole tonight, which if i got off my ass and got in there, i could put it all together so that when dinnertime comes around, it's ready to go. I think i'm just going to boil the chicken again, since i don't feel like having to sit in there on top of it to cook tonight. I think that sounds really good to me, and Ruben seemed to think it was ok.

Oh, and i keep seeing previews for the toy story double feature in 3d, and i might see if i can't convince Ivy to go with me to watch it. I think that would be awesome. Just have to wait and see though, since she hates the movies cause she says it's too loud. Blah, blah, blah. If i can't get her to go with me, i might buy the tickets for a couple of my other friends to come with me. I think it would be fun, lol, to get to act like kids again, if only for a couple hours.

Anyway, i need to get cracking on the stuff to actually do, before i sit here all night and get nothing accomplished. Pray the hangover goes away soon, and that i can actually get things done in a timely manner, cause i don't want to have to fight with it for the rest of the weekend too.

LYZ