I'm ready for this week to be over. I'm ready for things to settle down, and for things to start falling into place again. I'm ready to get over this feeling. Ready to shake the anxiety and depression and move on to a happier person. I know that happier person exists, but at times, it seems like it's so far away that i will never fine it. I'm ready for life to be happy, all around happy, and not just a little bit here and there. I'm ready for stability. Ready for everything to be what we dreamed it to be. I'm ready for this YEAR to be over.
It's hard to believe that it's been a year since the car accident. I still have nightmares about that day. I find myself all freaked out over the tiniest little things when i'm in the car. I constantly fear all the stupid little things. Everytime the weather is a little dicey, i freak out. Everytime the road is wet, i fear that i'm going to slide. Everytime the sun is setting and it's getting dark, i take ten times as long to move because i have to be ABSOLUTELY sure that we are going to be safe. I am SO anxious about everything when it comes to the safety of my family now. The fear of my daughters, my husband, or i getting hurt is overwhelming sometimes.
Speaking of overwhelming - I've been so overwhelmed about everything going on right now. There is a list a mile long that needs to be done, and a list a mile long of other things that just keep piling up. I need to get over to the DHS and get the girls soonercare reinstated. Then after that i need to call and get Ivy's dentist appointment, and Desiree's well baby appointment scheduled. I can't do that without the soonercare because i definently can't afford it without it. Then i need to hunt down our copy of last years tax return because i need to get it and the latest bank statement so i can send it off to the hospital charity program to cover Ruben's hospital bills. I have NO IDEA where the tax return is. Where i THOUGHT it was i only found the two years before that. It's frustrating, because the longer we wait, the less likely that it will be covered, and we will have to deal with all the collections bs about that. GRRR. So i gotta get that done. Then i have a house full of clothes that need to find a place. I have nowhere to put Ivy's clothes right now. She's basically living out of a basket because her dresser is messed up and we don't have enough hangers. So i need to figure that out.
I need to get my altar set back up. I desperately need to center and talk through things, and that's usually the best place to do it. I always feel better after a good prayer session to the goddess. It's been too long since i've been able to do it right. So i need to focus on that.
And then comes the biggest frustration in my life right now. HEADLICE! UGH! Desiree won't ever sit still enough to let me pick through and get everything out, so she hasn't been able to get rid of them. And because she hasn't gotten rid of them, we are fighting to keep them out of Ivy's hair. With Ivy in school, i have to double check every single night to make sure she doesn't have any in her hair so she doesn't take them to school and spread them around. I am going to try to get Ruben to help me and one saturday just get it all done at once. I am going to pull every sheet and pillowcase and put them in a bag and seal them up, along with the clothes that the girls and I are wearing (lucky Ruben and his male haircut, lol) and then the girls and I are going to all three at the same time wash our hair with the lice shampoo and kill them all off. And then Ruben and I are going to go through each of the girls hair and get it all taken care of, no matter how much Desiree fights, or how long it takes. And then i've got the spray for the mattresses and pillows and other furniture. And then we will vaccuum, and whipe down everything so that it won't come back. Then 7 days later we will all wash the hair again, and change the sheets, and all that jazz to kill off any new bugs. And keep doing that until we are SURE that they are gone. I'm sick and fucking tired of having to fight with this stuff, and if i don't just put my foot down and get it done, it will never get done. SOO, i plan on doing that as soon as we can afford to get the shampoo, the furniture spray, and get to wash and dry the load in one day. I might go ahead and put a little money on the laundry card for the laundrymat here on property just for stuff like that. That way when we need something washed fast, or in the middle of the week, we can get it done. Have to talk to Ruben about that one though.
And then another big frustration right now is the organizational stuff. I know i rant about this a lot, but we still haven't unpacked everything, we have a TON of storage space, but it's all being taken up by boxes and other misc stuff that we either don't need, or don't have space for. Storage shed would be wonderful. Just gotta be able to afford it huh? Yet another thing that we can't afford right now. God i hate the end of the year. Everything is so damn tight.
Next year hopefully we can start to get things to settle down a bit. Depending on how things work out, we are gonna buy a new car for us (not new, but different) Hopefully we can get a mustang. Ruben has found a few for pretty reasonable prices, and as long as they run well, that would be great. And then we are gonna pay Jim for the car we have now so we finally have two cars. And then i'm hopeing we will have enough to pay the car insurance for both cars up front for the entire year. And hopefully we can get my settlement around that time (if not before) and i want to use the settlement money, if it's enough, to pay the balance on our electric bill, and give it the credit balance, and get on the guarenteed flat bill program. HOPEFULLY that works out. That would be wonderful. That way we would know for sure how much we'd have to spend each month, since that's really the only bill that fluctuates. If it were guarenteed to be one flat price, i could have the budget written out for the entire year, and not have to worry about anything changing. We would know for sure how much extra we would have each month, and start saving it for things that we really want to do.
And then the next year, see about keeping on the program, and using our income tax return to take a REAL vacation. A week away on the beach, or a trip to New York. We've got friends up there now. So that would be nice. And maybe take the girls to the boston childrens museum. That was an awesome place when we went up there. Just have to see though. Desiree would only be 3, and i'm not so sure a long trip like that would really work out so well. If nothing else, i'd like to do something awesome for Ivy. She will be 8 next year, so that following summer would be a good time to take her to Disney. See if we couldn't get my family, or Ruben's family, to watch Desiree for a few days, and take Ivy down there. Maybe do a weekend at Disney. A 3 day pass, plus a room at a hampton hotel, wouldn't cost us too much. Go down on a thursday, spend that night, and then hit Disney Friday and Saturday, and come home on Sunday. Two days at disney might not be enough, but it would be a great start. And then a few years later go with both girls. And really do it right.
I remember some of the best times we ever had were the trips as a family. Going up to Silver Dollar City, and Branson. Staying in bed and breakfast rooms, seeing the sights, and enjoying each others company. It's too bad that the place we used to spend a couple weeks a summer at went to shit. They changed owners, and i believe went bankrupt, and just went blah. That used to be so much fun. Swimming all day, hanging out at the clubhouse, playing family bingo every night and winning all the crappy prizes, but still having an awesome time. Going on the hayrides, and down to the water and swimming in a fresh stream. Going for long walks through the middle of NOWHERE, but seeing some of the most beautiful sights that i've ever seen. Those were some great memories. I remember my grandpa best there. It's hard to believe he's been gone so long now. Sometimes, i swear i still hear his laugh, or feel his hug. I miss him so much, but at least i have those great memories. I need to get a few pictures of him printed out and put up. I need to get a lot of pictures printed and put up. I've got my wall of pics, but i need more family up there. My mom, and dad, and his mom and dad, and my grandma's, my sister, and her kids and hubby. And Ruben's grandma's, and other family. And i want to get a good collage of everyone printed. It's not too bad to have a 8/10 collage printed out at walgreens is like 5 bucks. That's not bad at all, and it makes for a great conversation piece when everyone comes in and sees them. I need to get a few more.
I'm having a really hard time dealing with some serious emotions right now. One of my friends husbands died in his sleep very suddenly just a few days ago. I can remember how much it hurts to lose someone so suddenly. It's devastating. And what is harder for me is that i can't do anything more than pray and offer an ear to talk to. I live too far away to be there in person, and i'm terribly broke, so i can't help pay for anything. I might see about sending her some flowers, or a card, or something. I need to get her address so i can do that. And the hardest thing about that is their son. He's still so little, and now he won't have his daddy there. I can't even imagine how hard that has to be. It's got me all emotional, and sometimes when i think about it, i find myself tearing up. I desperately wish i could do more. I guess i have to accept the fact that all i can do is pray, and that prayers are enough when you can't give anything else.
Neway, i think i've rambled enough for tonight. Finally got my mind to settle down enough i think i might actually be able to get to sleep now. So goodnight. Sleep tight, sweet dreams, and never take what you have for granted. You never know how long you've got it for.
No comments:
Post a Comment