i have such a hard time dealing with my feelings sometimes. They are extrememly intense most of the time, and i just can't keep them under control. From the anger i feel when i watch their grandfather drink himself stupid, to the sadness i feel when she asks why he doesn't pay attention the way she wants him to, to the lonliness i feel when i have to fall asleep without anybody else in bed with me. I got spoiled when my husband and i first got together. I got to sleep next to him every night, i got to see him almost all day every day, and even through the difficult times, we always found time for each other. We came up here to Oklahoma, and things had to change. I worked a lot, he worked a lot, and we didn't get as much time together. Now, he's working nights, and we only get one night a week next to each other, and just a couple hours a day during the day. It is absolutely exausting when i have to deal with everything all day, and then he is up for only a few hours before going to work, and i don't want to have to talk to him about my bad day in those few hours because i want them to be the best hours i can have. I miss him, extremely bad, every single night. I caught myself crying to sleep saturday night because i know it's an entire week before i get to sleep beside him again. I know that may sound stupid to everyone else, but that's the way i feel. I am such an emotional mess right now. My oldest daughter is going to start kindergarden this week, and even though she went to pre-k last year, it's such a different experience this year because she will be going all day this year. It will just be weird to not have her with me from 9 in the morning until 3 in the afternoon. Especially since my youngest has gotten used to having her around to play with, and now i'm going to have to find things that keep her occupied while sister is at school. Don't know how that's going to work out. Maybe i can make plans to meet up with another mom once a week, or to watch someone elses kids for a few hours a week or something so that she has someone else to play with. I know that's probably not going to happen, but i will just have to figure something else out. i don't know what i'm going to do, and any ideas would be really great. I know she's getting to the age that she will start to like coloring, and drawing, and stuff like that, and i'm thinking about getting a great big sheet of paper and some paint and letting her go at it in the middle of a tarp or something. I bet what would come out would be wonderful. Who knows, we shall see though. I'm sure i can figure it out somehow. Time to start hitting the books and the net hard to find things to keep a 1 year old occupied.
Tonight is spaghetti night at our house. We do spaghetti every single sunday, and it's really nice to have some kind of thing that we do every week, and i think it will do Ivy good once school starts back up. We shall find out. It's going to start this week. She's got her back to school thing where she gets to meet her teacher tuesday night, and then school starts bright and early thursday morning. I don't know how it's going to work out, but maybe Ruben and I will still be able to take a walk a couple days a week, or something. I know next year when we get our income tax return and have a little money, i'm going to try to start going to the gym. I think it would do me some good, not so much for the weightloss (even though i would LOVE to get back down to the weight i used to be) i think it will be better for my stamina and strength too. I haven't been able to run in a long time, and i think it would be awesome to get to do that again. I haven't been able to do a handstand or a cartwheel or something like that in a long time either. It's just going to take me a little while, and some money, lol. I need to find somewhere i can go just desiree and I and still feel safe because i have to kill a few hours a day with just her and I. Guess i should have figured that out a long time ago, huh? oh well, no biggie, i'll figure it out.
Neway, i need to get spaghetti started, and start waking Ruben up so we can eat soon since True blood starts in less than an hour. I love that show, seriously. So i will have to finish writing the way i'm feeling later. For now, Keep It Cool Kid, And Stay Sweet.
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