what do you see?

I have noticed something about myself, and i'm not sure how i actually feel about it. I have noticed that i care too damn much what others think of me, so i am constantly trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I feel more often then not that i have lost who i was before. I can't really remember the last time where i felt like i was ME, and nothing else. Especially after having the kids, i have lost what i was because i never really got to do it. I used to be very free-spirited, and layed back, and happy with everything, even when shit was going way wrong. I never really cared about tomorrow, so it didn't matter what others thought of me because i never let myself think about what they thought or even if i would ever see them again. I have become someone i just don't know anymore. I have become someone who cares so much about what others think of me that i can't ever really be comfortable. I am married to a wonderful man who loves me for who i am, but i am still constantly worried about what he thinks of me at any given moment. If i don't have the energy to clean the house i feel like he's going to think i'm lazy, or or something like that. I know he loves me, but i also worry that he will lose that love if i am not PERFECT all the time. I know i'm not perfect, but that doesn't stop me from trying to be. It's exausting sometimes.

Even with myself i can't ever really be comfortable. I think i'm fat, even though those around me don't think so. I think i'm ugly, even though those around me tell me otherwise all the time. I think i'm stupid because i can never figure things out, or i can't remember something that was just told to me. I find that i'm unhappy all the time, about things that can be so freaking stupid. For example, i hate when i look in the mirror and i see my huge stomach, or my huge legs, or the acne on my face, or the scars. It's sad when you can look at sm scars and hate the way they look and still think about wanting to do it. It's been well over a year since my last one, but that's not saying that it's been easy, because for damn sure it has not. And i find that these last few months have been getting worse and worse because i don't really ever get to get out around people very often and do things that i enjoy. I have lost all motivation to find new things, and the old things just don't keep my attention for very long at all. It is so frustrating when for so long i felt better about it all. I was loving making necklaces, and i loved coloring, and i loved playing war games, and now none of it makes me happy. I have gotten to go to the movies a couple times recently, and that was nice. To just get out of the house with another girl and have some girl time, chatting about movies, guys, and other things. I miss getting to do that more often. Everyone that i used to hang out with here in town don't live in midwest city anymore. One joined the millitary, got married, and moved away. Another moved further into okc, and all the others live pretty much in the middle of OKC, the north of OKC, or further. I can't afford to drive out there and visit as often as i would like to. I don't know, i know that i need to find someone who i will be able to do things with once Ivy goes back to school because Desiree and I are going to be lost without her, at least for the first little while. I don't know, just gotta figure it out i guess. I know i'm going to try to start saving up some money and try to find new things to take her to do. We will just have to see.

I despeately need to find the motivation to finish cleaning. It wouldn't take long if i could just get off my butt and get started, but i just have no energy, no will to do it. I look around and i want to, but i just can't get up and do it, so it will sit there for a while until i FORCE myself up and to start working, and then it will probably take me ten times as long as it should because i don't really want to do it. BLAH, frustrating. Maybe once Ivy goes back to school i can put Desiree in her playpen and get the house cleaned OUT and reorganized. We have so much stuff we don't ever use and that we don't need, we just need to get rid of it all. I'm going to buy some totes and put it back to have a yard sale. I would like to get it done SOON, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen this year. There is just too much to figure out, and with it just being me doing it, it isn't getting done very fast. I know now that My m-i-l's pick up truck is fixed we can start cleaning out the garage over there and find some of the stuff we have been missing. I know i've got porcelin (SP?) dolls over there, and there are some more toys for the girls over there too that we can sort through and find the better toys and let them have them. There is also a bunch of clothes, and some other totes full of shit i don't even remember. Need to get that cleaned out soon, as soon as it starts to cool off and we can get out there without dying from the heat.

So yeah, i'm going to stop typing and FORCE myself up off this damn couch and start cleaning, and hopefully that will give me some more motivation to get the rest of the house done. All of it is a mess right now. Not bad, just little things, but annoying, you know? SO yeah, gonna go do that. Laters everyone.