i find myself hanging on for dear life. I dont 'know what it is right now that has me feeling like this, but i feel like i've lost control of the sanity i hold so dear. I love my husband so very very much, and our two daughters are the reason i get out of bed in the mornings. But at the same time, sometimes it feels like i don't get the same respect in return. I know the girls love me, but that is just because i'm their mom, and that's all they know how to do. I'm not looking forward to the day when that all changes and they start to hate me, lol. Go go teenagerhood. But for now, i know that's all i have with them. with Ruben, it's a completely different story. I know i love him so very much, and i kknow, or at least i want to believe, that he loves me the same. It's just hard to believe it when the majority of the time all he has to say is negative things about me, or something i did or did not do. i bust my ass taking care of the girls, and the house, and i rarely get time to myself. And i try really hard not to complain about much either. I bite my tounge because he is more important to me than i am. I wake up every morning in excruciating pain, but i put on a smile and go through the day anyway. He wakes up in pain, and that's all you hear about until it starts to go away. WTF? seriously? If i complained everytime it hurt, or i was sick, or whatever, i dont think i would ever stop complaining. My family deserves better than that.
Right now, i wont' lie, i am stupid drunk, and i probablywon't remember the majority of what i type here tonight until i read it again tomorrow. I don't know why i let myself believe that i can have "just one". it's never only one, ever. That one turned into 6 that were mixed pretty strong. "Would you like a little mt dew with your rum?" And "i'm why the rum is gone!" fit pretty well tonight, lol. And even though i am stumbling drunk, i still want another one. Guess it's a good thing i can't really get up off my ass to go get it huh?
I am so emotional when i'm this drunk. I've been happy, then crying, then pissed as hell. It is beyond frustrating. the littlest things set me off, and i try really hard to regain control, and get slingshoted the other direction. It's a neverending rollercoaster, racing toward the future at breakneck speeds, and i'm doing good just to hold on for the ride, let alone control any of it. I feel so overwhelmed, and so extremely alone in it all. i want to just hide behind the split personalities i have hiding inside me, but i know i would never come back. It's too nice to be completely empty and numb sometimes. When all you feel is pain and sadness and anger, sometimes nothing is a relief. when you deal with the bright ass life, dealing with so much all the time, it's nice to be in the dark, away from prying eyes, and demanding souls. Although it's just as difficult to deal with that for very long, and then i find myself trying to claw myself back out of the darkness and into the light, and that's usually when the other stupid stuff happens. After being numb for so long, i want to feel again, and so i cut, or i do stupid stuff to et the adrenaline going, or something like that, and the cycle starts over again. The constant up and down and upside down gets old as hell.
I am searching desperately for something to be passionate about. Don't get me wrong, i have a good life. Great kids, a good husband, a nice house, food in our stomachs, and clothes on our backs. Great friends, and a decent city to live in. But there is no adventure. Nothing spontaneous. I want something to make my heart race again. something to break up the routine, if only for a little bit.
right now, i need to either go throw up or pass out, or both. Hopefully the hangover will last in my mind a little longer this time, and i wont' have another moment like this for a long time. here's hooping.
LYZ
No comments:
Post a Comment