What is wrong with me

I don't understand how everything can be going good in my life, and i still feel so down and depressed. There is no reason to feel this way, not at all. I have a wonederful husband who takes such wonderful care of me and our daughters. I have to beautiful daughters who are growing and learning every day, and who are so very well behaved. We have an OK house, that yes, needs some work, but is OURS. We can do what we want on it, and we can actually afford to take care of it all. We have great friends, even though we can't see them all that often. We have a paid off car. Yeah, it does have problems right now, but it's nothing that we can't deal with right now. But right now i am so exausted all the time. I feel so lonely all the time. I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to feel fulfilled. I do a lot, and i always have, but it just doesn't ever feel like i've done enough, or that i can do enough. It feels like i should be able to do so much more, and be so much more. I always feel like there is something wrong with me. But i can't even figure out what. I know it is exausting to hurt all the time, but that's no reason to be so upset all the time. I know i cry myself to sleep quite often, and that sometimes there is no reason at all why i feel that way. I also find that it's become weird to have someone in bed with me at night. When Ruben gets to fall asleep beside me on Friday nights, it's so hard to get to sleep. It feels weird. I hate that. I hate that a whole fuckload. It used to be weird to fall asleep without him in bed. I just don't like it at all. I know that i want to be able to be happy, and to be good enough, and that i could be really helpful and supportive and all that jazz. I feel like i'm just doing what i am supposed to be doing. Being a good wife, and mother, and homemaker. I do what i think others want me to do. But i don't do what i WANT to do. I want to be crazy, and spontaneous, and silly. I want to be able to do things that i want to do when i want to do them, and not have to worry about someone thinking badly of me because of it. It is beyond frustrating. I want to be able to drink myself stupid again. I want to be able to stay up late, and sleep in even later. I want to be able to hang out with friends, and spend money, and not have to worry rather or not we can make the bills. I want to be able to stop worrying about money, and the car, and friends. I constantly feel like people don't like me. Like i'm doing or saying something that will make them not like me forever. I hate when that happens. I hate when i have to be the one to call or message or something like that because then it feels like they don't want me to be around and that they are just doing something because they feel sorry for me. And i feel like it's cursing my children to the same fate. My entire life i have never felt good enough, and that people don't like me. I sent out a lot of invitations for Ivy's party, and only family and TWO other children showed up. I hated it because it felt like they were all making excuses not to come because they didn't like me. I hate it. And i hate it even more that it feels like i'm always trying too hard, but i can't let myself relax and just be myself. Without a beer or a shot or two, i am useless with social situations. Especially when there are more than two or three others there. it's so fucking frustrating.

Anyway, i am going to get out of here for a while and see if i can't calm down. This is exausting, and it's already been a stuipd crazy day. LATERS