gotta find something......

I gotta find something new, exciting, worth believeing in and being passionate about. It is exausting to do the same shit over and over again, with no break in the routine. i want to be able to wake up, and be excited about the day ahead. Instead, i wake up, and want to stay in bed and sleep all day, because what's the fucking point? What's the point of getting out of bed, when there is nothing worth getting up for? I mean, i don't get to spend any kind o time with my husband, and i miss him so much sometimes. I don't get to hang out with friends, ever, no matter how hard i try, because even if we do get to meet up, it never lasts very long, or we don't enjoy it. And around the house, it's the same old things, all the time. lately, i have caught myself wanting to dissapear more and more, and craving that bottle to drink to make it go away. i want to cut so bad it's not even funny, and i just wonder what those around me would think if i did. I know it would help, and i'm about to just say FUCK IT and do it anyway. who cares what they think. i mean, it's starting to get closer to winter, and ic an wear the long sleved shirts, and the pants all the time, and nobody will be able to see them. So we shall see what happens the next little while. If it keeps going the way it is, it's gonna happen tonight. take a shot or two, pull out the knives, and let some of that tension flow away. i just need to some way to release some of this tension that has built up and built up and built. It's hard to explain it to anybody else, unless they have gone through it themselves. it's like an alcoholic can't really explain it where anybody can understand it, unless they've been there before. i have found that it's better to just not mention it to anybody, especially the cutting, because then they freak out. I hide a lot, and i know it's not really a good thing, but it's better than the fighting that would happen if i didn't. i want to make it stop, these thoughts in my head. i want to wake up and be happy with my life again. i want to wake up in the morning, and be passionate about my life. i mean, i don't have it bad, by any means. It's frustrating, because i should be happy. i should be passionate about being a mom and watching my girls grow up. ivy is learning so much right now, and amazes me how much desiree is picking up already, but that doesn't bring a spark into my life like it used to. That upsets me.

Blah, right now, i'm going to go try to relax. I need to get something to eat and drink. I need to change clothes, and straighten my own living room. And then i'll see if i cna get some of this pressure inside without having to do something stupid. if it's not gone soon, it will have to be released the other way.

LYZ