i wish i still knew how to cry

Today, as i wrote earlier, has been a hell of a damn day. And now, as it's drawing to an end, i really wish i could still remember how to cry. It's been such a long day, full of BS that has pushed even my amazing drama dealing powers to their limits. I have never understood how things can be so damn overwhelming, even on the best of days, let alone on a day like today, and yet i still can't find anything that really helps me deal with it. Today, i knew well ahead of time that i was going to need a drink. And sure enough, as today draws to a close, i find myself drinking a bottle of Boones farm fuzzy navel. It's better for me at least then the stuff i want to drink. But it's doing the job. It's numbing me out, and making me forget, at least for tonight, the pain that i've dealt with on this horrible day. i just pray that tomorrow brings a less eventful day, for damn sure. I so badly want to cry right now, to release some of the stuff i've been holding on to for years, but i find myself shoving it further and further back into the back of my mind, burried by the new stuff that seems neverending. I'm not exactilly sure why i do that, to be honest. maybe it's an underlying feeling of not being good enough, of having to punish myself somehow, for some unknown reason, because of something that happened years and years ago that i have burried or forgotten about. I don't know. I really wish i could figure it out and stop, because i know it's bad for my health, and the health of those around me. dealing with this is exausting, and it's no wonder that my physical health is as bad as it is sometimes, considering all the poisoned thoughts that i find floating around in my head. Maybe if i can get rid of them somehow, i will feel better. Perhaps that's why i now find myself wanting to do something else to release some of this. i know i shouldn't, but yet it is so overwhelmingly tempting to pull out those sharp knives and the box of fix-it-up items (bandaids, peroxide, first aid ointment) and to bleed it out, in some sort of way. the problem with that is the same problem i have with alcohol. If i start that, it's never just one drink, or one cut, etc. it's never just one. I want it to be, cause one would do the job, in a small way, without hurting so badly. But yet, i can't seem to let myself stop there. I don't understand that either, and maybe one day i can talk it out with someone and figure it out. We shall find out eventually, i'm sure. So i'm going to finish my bottle, finish cooking dinner, and take my likely very buzzed ass to bed (since i'm drinking it down pretty damn fast) and hopefully have an uneventful nights sleep. A full nights sleep would do me good. At least one that wasn't full of nightmares. Haven't had a night without a nightmare in the last three years. And even when i can't remember them, i know i had one from the looks of the bed, or the other signs that i seem to do every time. I don't know what it is. maybe it's because i don't really feel safe in my own house at night, or because i don't have the support during the day that i know i need. And i know it's not true, but i keep thinking "maybe i can find the peace of mind at the bottom of this glass/bottle/cut" And when i don't, it's "well, maybe this one" until i either have a leg full of cuts and have to suffer through blue jeans for the entire summer while they heal, or i'm completely smashed and find myself waking up in the morning in the middle of the floor with carpet burn because i couldn't even make it to the bedroom without passing out. Is it really worth it? i don't know, but for some reason i keep trying to find out. Maybe one day i can find that peace, that safety, and that support, that i know i desperately need to make my life, and the life of those around me, a better life to live. maybe.