puzzle pieces

right now my mind feels like a puzzle that's missing a few pieces. I can't remember so many things that i need to remember, and i can't forget things that i want to forget. i want to believe that there is more out there than this, but i can't ever find it. I never have the time to go look for it either. I sit here in the same routine day after day, looking out the window, wondering what's just around the corner. I feel like i'm being held back, hidden away from the world. I rarely hear good things from the one person that i want and need to hear them from. I get so tired of listening to the same bullshit all the time. some would say that he's trying to brainwash me, or some shit like that. It's hard for me to have an actual perspective on it, since i'm the one in the middle of it. I've been told by one friend that he's verbally abusive, and by another that i'm suffering through Battered Women's syndrome. The word meaning unwilling sex (a word i refuse to use because i don't believe that is what's happening) has been used a time or two. I don't know, and i want to know, what's going on. Being in the middle of it all is exausting sometimes. I have realized i use that word a lot - exausting. i guess that's just what my life is right now. exausting. It's confusing for me. sometimes i wish i could take a step back and actually look at my life and see what's really going on. i've tried, and what i see isn't that bad. Am i just turning a blind eye, or choosing to see what i want to see, or downplaying what's really going on? I honestly don't know. I honestly just don't know what's going on most of the time, and i've decided it's better that way. there is enough to deal with in my life, between the girls and the house and helping Ruben deal with things too. Plus dealing with the drama from the in-laws, and my family, and all the crazy stuff i've been dealing with. I want to be able to be stronger for everyone around me, so i usually don't even talk about most of it. I hold it in, and push it down, and hide it from the world. I drive it back and out of the light, because i realize that talking about it sometimes is a bigger problem then it's worth. It's hard to find someone to trust with it all, and even harder to find someone i'm comfortable really talking to in person, which is what i really need. once again, i find myself drinking to drown it out, and having to hide my knives from myself because i would do stupid shit if i had them. I know that i need to get out and do things to help, but i just don't have any idea where to start. If anybody has an idea that might work, let me know, and i will be willing to give it a try. So yeah, anyway, i need to get out of here for now, and see if i can't get myself to relax enough to get some sleep. Neway, laters.