Arkansas seems so far away on nights like tonight. I know it may only be just a couple hours away, but it feels like it would take a year to get there. I miss everyone down there so freaking bad. Nights like tonight i have such a struggle with living up here. Don't get me wrong. It's not bad. But the routine is so dull, and lonely. I rarely get to see anybody besides Ruben's family and Ruben. The other people that i COULD see are either too busy, or too lazy, to visit. I've got two friends that have kids. One works monday through friday and has saturday and sunday off. And after school is always hard to plan things for, since it takes Ivy forever to do her homework, and especially now since the weather is getting so cold. It sucks. And the other is Rachel, with Korben, and she's usually busy with him. He's so sick all the time, that it's a full time job, and i can't blame her. Most of the stuff she does that doesn't involve him is close to the house with him. So her coming all the way over here just doesn't seem like it's gonna happen. I don't hate her for that. All the other people i consider friends just don't really fit into my schedule with the kids. My sister in law (when we aren't fighting) is usually broke, or doing something something with someone else. Jacqui is usually asleep, and i'm not sure i can really call her a friend too much anyway. We haven't really seen each other for more than a few minutes in over a year. And that's really it up here. I have to hard of a time meeting new people with the kids. Only so many places to go and things to do with them in tow. Don't get me wrong, i love being a stay at home mom. But i do so miss the ME time i once had.
The rest of the friends are in arkansas. And the longer i'm up here, the more we seem to grow apart. It hurts to think about it. Things just don't seem to work out that often where we get to see each other, and we don't talk that much. When plans ARE made to visit, it has a very horrible way of falling through. And the ones that DO end up happening, usually require me going down there. Which SUCKS, especially right now, because we are so freaking broke. Ruben makes enough to cover the bills we have, but just barely. We rarely have much extra money left over, and when we do, it's even more rare that it would be enough to make a trip to arkansas. And it's not like the car we have right now would even make it down there. I don't trust it on the interstate for more than just a few minutes before i start to freak out. At least, unless Ruben is in the car with me. I can't wait to either get it fixed or replaced. UGH. But that seems like it's so far away. Mind you, it's gonna happen in January, so it's only just over two months away, but still. Two months is a long time when you are this homesick.
Then comes the inner struggle about moving back. We are doing great up here. Ruben's got a great job, ivy's in a great school, and we are doing pretty good where we are at. WE make the bills on time, without having to rely on someone else. But the lonliness sometimes seems to outweigh that. Unless Ruben could find a job down there that paid as much as he makes here, and we could find a house or apartment and all that jazz, it's just not a good idea. He has friends up here that would miss him. And the con of living down there is the fact that i'd be closer to my family. That's both a pro and a con. Pro because i'd get to do things with them, watch the kids grow up, have babysitters, and have someone to help me out a bit more than up here. The con is that they would expect me to be someone i'm not if i were down there. I'm not that person anymore. I do not believe anything that they teach. I don't hold it against them. It's their beliefs, and their right. But it's not for me. I can't bring myself to believe the same things they believe. It all comes down to the same things that the vast majority of organized religion says "This is the one true religion, and the rest are false." Ok, so either everyone is right, or everyone is wrong. Either way, it doesn't work. The way i believe now is this "It doesn't matter WHAT you believe in, as long as you believe". I don't care if you are catholic, budhist, 7th day adventist, Jehovah's witness, or Mormon. I don't care. It's what you believe. And THAT is what matters. Life is nothing without something to have faith in. Even athiests believe something. They believe that there is no god. That's their right. I just don't believe that what i was taught as a child is right. Just because the only times that birthdays were mentioned in the bible someone died, we can't celebrate another year of life? That doesn't make sense to me. I know that most of the other holidays aren't what they say they are. Most are taken from pagan holidays and given different names. Easter for instance is on the same day as the pagan holiday for fertility. Yeah, you heard me right. When easter is celebrated, we are celebrating fertility. Christmas is in no way shape or form christs birthday. Jesus could not have been on that day due to the extreame temperatures there. It is the celebration of YULE - which is the celebration of the death and rebirth of the sun god. It is meant to be celebrated on the shortest day of the year. This year, with our fireplace, we will definently be celebrating that one. ANd i could go on and on and on about things i feel are wrong.
For anybody reading this that doesn't know, i pretty much call myself a pagan now. Not wiccan. I don't do organization like that all that much. I do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Speaking of which. I desperately need to get my altar set back up. I have so needed to release some of these things. I might focus on getting that done this week sometime. I don't have any other work this week. The two jobs i was supposed to have got canceled due to lack of funds. SOO, i'm gonna spend this week focusing on my house. We got Ivy's bedroom cleaned up over the weekend. I'm gonna make sure that gets cleaned back up every night. The kitchen will be taken care of by Ruben AND I probably either this evening or tomorrow. The living room is basically clothes that need to be put up. The bathrooms just need a good sweep and whipe down. The biggest challenge is the master bedroom and closet. That's where the problems lie, ugh. Well, that and Ivy's clothes. We need to just break down and get her a new dresser. That way MAYBE it would actually work right and we could put her clothes up. Either that, or buy a butload of hangers to put her clothes up in the closet with. And then my closet i need to get the clothes folded and put up, the beanbag chair needs to find a new home, and i need to get my altar set up so i can actually do things when i need to do them. We need to rent a small storage space so we can store all the stuff that we don't have need for and actually use the storage space we DO have here for things that need to go there.
I desperately need some social interaction. And some me time. Maybe i can find a way to get both sometime soon. Not likely, but i can dream right?
LATERS
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