randon words falling on paper

Lots on my mind. So many things that need to be done. so many directions i feel i'm being pulled. I've got thigns i need to do desperately. It's not that i haven't had the time to get them done. It's stupid really, but i have been overly anxious about making the calls. It's been over a year for both of the girls appointments. I've always felt weird about coming back after so long. Like they are going to judge me as a bad parent because things went crazy. Ruben went to the hospital, i've been fighting with doctors/lawyers/insurance companies, we lost the girls soonercare for a while, i've been fighting with pain, and the anxiety of it being so long ago. It's all compounded into me not being able to overcome what's been going on. I need to call and get Desiree into the doctor for her immunizations and checkup. It's been too long now, and i'm sure she will need more shots, blah. And then i need to call and make Ivy her dentist appointment. She lost a cap too, so they need to fix that, along with the cleaning teeth and stuff. I need to just get over it, get them called, and move on. And i need to make the call and set up an appointment for me to see the doc for my yearly and mireana appoitnment. Those are the three calls i've needed to make that i'm having a difficult time making. SOO, tomorrow i just need to get over it and get it done. No more anxiety, no more guilt, etc. Just time to get it done. i'm exausted, to say the least. And this is just irritating the situation. I need to get the stress from that off my chest. And then once everything there is taken care of, and i start the new job (which i PRAY i actually get) i'm gonna start going to the doctor for a while. The clinic up at the hospital. See if i can't find something for this pain i've been having for so long. It's desperation at this point. I feel so sick and tired of hurting so bad all the time, ya know? I mean, it's getting to the point that i can't actually function some days. I feel horrible. I can't do the things i need to do when i hurt this bad. I had my house all cleaned and organized. And because i've hurt so bad the last few days, it's back to being a mess. not a HORRIBLE mess, but a mess nonetheless. Which pisses me off too. Things are crazy, to say the least. I'm ready for summer. I'm ready to wear cute clothes every day, go swimming, and try new things. I'm ready to stay up late and sleep in, and not have to rush around. I'm ready for our early morning walks every morning, for pictures and places i've never been, and for the chance to maybe take trips more often. I am ready for more freedom again. Freedom that summer gives. When ivy is in school, we can't go do things in the afternoon that much because she gets out of school at 4, so we have to be here to pick her up at that time. Depending on where we want to go, that doesn't work so well. Especially with him not going to bed until 12 or later. And of course, AFTER school doesn't work either because of the fact i like to be home to start dinner and the end of the day activities (bath time, dinner, homework, etc) at 7-7:30. SOO, when summer comes, we can leave after he goes to bed, and be out a lot longer, which is what i really want. I've been moody too. emotional over the slightest things. I was watching the rerun of top chef all stars reunion, and i cried when it showed the clip of Richard winning. I hate being so damn emotional. I swear, i'll cry over NOTHING. Damn that sucks. Right now, i'm gonna sign off the computer, go lay down and turn on something else to watch. Then i'm thinking about maybe starting some kind of art project, or something else to keep my hands and mind occupied. I'm tired of my mind racing so much, ugh!