feeling it all

When things start going bad, it's EASY to run to something else. Something that makes it all better for a while. For me, those things weren't always good for me. In fact, most were downright BAD for me. Cutting, drinking, popping pills, sexual stuffs. They would make things better for a WHILE, but never long enough. So you do more, and more, and more. You try SOO hard to make it all go away FOREVER, never realizing that, while you are feeling better, thigns are getting WORSE around you. When that FEELING goes away, and you are forced to face the reality of the situation, it is never what you dreamed it would be.

That happened to me a lot. And i never wanted to ADMIT that things were getting bad. I just wanted to believe that that HIGH i got from doing things i knew i wasn't supposed to do would last forever, and everything outside that high would eventually work itself out.

It never did. It just kept getting worse, and worse. I almost lost my kids and my husband. I have some permanent damage caused by some of the drugs and alcohol that very few even KNOW about (and i'd like to keep it that way, k?) I have to try day in and day out to not go back to those things when something gets hard again.

But i refuse. I refuse to numb out. My new lease on life is to feel it ALL. The good, the bad, and the HORRIBLE. To devote all my time, not to running away and not feeling it, but to working through it, or at the very least surviving. When things are hard, and you force yourself to feel it in all it's horrible glory, and you make it through to the other side, you realize how STRONG you are.

It is a very empowering feeling. Things may not always work out. In fact, there are some really hard days ahead, and i know this. But instead of hiding as things get worse, i'm tackling them head on, head up, and face forward. I am creating my OWN path through the chaos, and i'll meet you on the other side.

LYZ