There are a billion things running through my head right now. Some good, some bad, all annoying because i can't really catch most of them. It's ok though, cause i'm about to write it all out and see where it takes me.
The other day i wrote a "poem" if that's what you wanna call it, about how lonely i am up here. It's certainly difficult. Being so far away from the friends i grew up with. Being around people that i haven't known that well, and having such a difficult time making new friends. Especially when those new friends have known their friends up here for so long that it's hard to break into those groups. I can name a few that i'd like to become friends with, and the reasons why it just hasn't worked out so well.
There is Jacqui. She has her good times. She's an artist, in ever sense of the word. Makes BEAUTIFUL artwork, necklaces, bracelets, and all kinds of other stuffs. But her downfall is she's a bit immature. She sleeps all day, stays up all night, doesn't work, and just doesn't understand why that's a bit irritating to everyone around her. I mean, i'm a mom of two, and basically i'm a single mom of two because of Ruben's schedule. I get a couple hours with him every day, but it's just not the times that i really need him to be there. It's mostly in the mornings, and not in the evenings when things are a bit crazy. But having both girls around the house, especially in summer, i still keep up with the important things around the house. i keep the house clean, i get my laundry done, i cook every meal (or at least most of them). So it really doesnt' make much sense why someone who has no kids can't do laundry, or cook, or clean, or anything like that. So that's why it's hard to be friends with her.
Then there is Rachel. And she's a GREAT girl, but she has so much going on it's hard to find time to squeeze in building a new friendship. A year ago today her son had his cord blood transplant for his cancer. he still gets sick, has lots of doctors appointments, and has to be careful with the places and thigns he does. So unless i can find time to go all the way out where they live (which is almost an hour away depending on traffic, sometimes less) i can't see her all that often. Which is heartbreaking, because i LOVED hanging out with her when we woudl hang out at the limey dragon. I miss that damn place, seriously bad.
There is Khrysten, who is the wife of one of the male friends i talk to a lot online. We've had some conversations online, but i'd like to get to know her better. They live a bit away though too. So it's hard to get up there. She's an artist too, and makes a lot of jewlrey and stuff. I'd like to get up and really get a chance to get to know her. She recently found out that she is in remission from cancer, which is HUGEly inspiring.
I'd like to get to know other moms in the area too, but most of the ones in this apartment complex, i don't know, just aren't my kind of people. They are hard (but they've had to be. There are a lot of single moms, and it's not the greatest of neighborhoods) and i just don't handle that personality all that well. I think maybe tomorrow i'm gonna call one of Ivy's friends moms and see if they want to go do something this weekend. Her name is Monicka, and her daughter is named Brenna. Ivy and Brenna got the two trophy awards at the school this year. Ivy got the citizenship award, and Brenna had the best grades. So i think the two will be good for each other to be around, and her mom seemed like someone i'd get along with. So i just need to get over the stupid anxiety and call her.
Speaking of Anxiety, it's been BAD the last week or so. I'm not sure what set it off, but it's gone back to being full blown OCD anxiety. I hate my body, and everytime i look in the mirror, i see so much there that i want to change. My stomach is the biggest one, and it looks HUGE to me. I know it's NOT huge, but that's what i see. It's the Body Dysmorphic Disorder flairing it's ugly head. I recently discovered something that goes along with that that i've had a long time but didn't know what it was. It's called Compulsive Skin Picking (Dermatillomania). I can sit in the mirror for HOURS and find things that i just hate and i will pick until i get it to go away. It's annoying. And i'm having panic attacks again. Full blown ones too. Can't breathe, shaking hands, tight chest, etc. And at night, the slightest little noises make me have to get up and check everything again. Or the slightest little negative thought, or image, etc. I have to check all the window and door locks, make sure the stove and all lights and stuff are off, check to be sure the girls are breathing, and find the animals and make sure they are ok. And THEN i can go back to bed. I haven't slept nearly enough. I know i haven't. But the only way i can make them stop long enough to sleep is to either DRINK, which i promised i won't do anymore, or take sleep aids and muscle relaxer (about half of each can do it) which makes me sleep for a long time. So it's just crazy. It's hard too, because i find it extreamely difficult to tell people about. I don't want to worry Ruben with them, because he's got his own things to worry about. I can't afford to go to therapy. I wouldn't even know where to start with finding some affordable help. After the things with the DHS a while back, i don't want to deal with them, even though i know they'd be able to point me in the right direction.
I've started taking my anxiety out on my house. I completely reorganized and deep cleaned my living room, kitchen, dining room (game room) and big bathroom. Tomorrow i'm gonna pick up a few things to help do the same to the bedrooms. Here in a minute, to get rid of the anxiety that's been building as i've been writing, i'm gonna get up and get it all back to where it needs to be. Actually, i think i need to go ahead and do that now. LATERS
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