The last few days have been a major manic attack. I slept just a couple hours a night, and ran ran ran all day long. Well, it has finally caught up to me. Tonight i feel like i can sleep for a week. And the high from the mania is gone, replaced with a depression and the feeling that i'm going to cry at the drop of a hat.
I seriously hate nights like this. When the house is so quiet, everyone either asleep or at work, and i'm left here by myself with my thoughts. I find myself thinking about the past, and the people from my past, and the things i did, and saw, and wanted to be. I lost myself somewhere along the way. I am no longer LYNDSEY. I am Ivy and Desiree's mom, and Ruben's wife, and Whitney's sister, and Mike and Diana's daughter. The things i WANT to do i can't do, because i'm constantly having to do something for one of them. And they wonder why, at the end of the day, i'm super emotional and lost. It's because i can't find anything that makes me happy when all i do is take care of them. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not the end of the world. It's not BAD. It's just annoying. I am happy they are happy. I just wish i could be happy just for me. Does that make sense? Hell, i don't even know if anybody actually even reads this. I know if they do, they don't comment to let me know they are there. Whatever. I didn't really start this for anybody else, although it would be nice to know someone actually cared enough to take the time to read it. Oh well.
I think i just need some ME time. Some time to do things that i want to do, with people i want to do them with. I need to find a sitter for the girls, and go. Next year, i see myself spending quite a bit of the money i'll give myself on babysitters. I love my girls, and i love being a stay at home mom, but when that's all you do all day long, you go a little crazy. And i think that's the point i've hit. I've been at this now for over three years. I quit working about a month and a half before i had Desiree, and we are 17 days from her birthday. We have a routine, and it works, but at the same time, routine can become dull and ordinary and boring. And that's where i am at right now. i think next year i might find a class to take or something. Just to get out of the house and learn something new. Not sure WHAT class, but i guess we could find out huh? And maybe i can open up a page on Artfire and start an actual business of some kind. Jewlry, papercraft, or something like that. IDk. Just have to see how much time i have on my hands for stuff like that. Just have to see.
Right now, i need to go to bed. It's late, and i kinda need to get up earlish in the morning to run a few errands before it gets HOT hot outside. STUPID OKLAHOMA WEATHER. I hate these 100+ days. Can't leave the house, can't do much of anything, because it gets too hot too fast. BLAH. Neway, night to anybody who took the time to read this far.
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