My lightbulb moment

Sometimes it takes something bad or annoying happening before you have that lightbulb moment. I had mine over the weekend. It wasn't anything really bad. Just slightly annoying. But it was coming from more than one direction. And in that instant, with everything going on around me, the lightbulb lit up the way with such intensity that i knew there was no other choice but to follow it.

Lately i had lost myself. I was so caught up in being everything for everyone, that i didn't know who i was or what i wanted anymore. I was so busy being mom, tutor, wife, sister, driver, maid, accountant, therapist, etc, that i didn't have time to focus on what needed to be seen. And that was that i wasn't happy anymore. I was so busy being everything for everyone but me (again) that i wasn't taking the time to remember ME. And it's not like the things i love to do are so strange or far away. It's taking pictures of the simple things in life. It's displaying all the things i hold dear on the wall for everyone to see (both in real life and online), and having people tell me how beautiful they are. It's writing. It's singing. It's playing music. It's painting a picture. It's nothing fancy. It's taking a walk when the sun is coming up, and catching the sunrise on film. It's seeing the world in a whole new light when the city is silent and the world is asleep. It's listening to my daughters talk about their days, and the things they love. It's about encouraging them to be the best people they can be, and to never give up on THEIR dreams, no matter what others might say.

I started writing earlier. Sat down with a notebook and a pen and just let the words flow. And what came out tears to my eyes. It was almost like i was appologizing to myself. Like i knew that i wasn't being all i could be, and that those around me that i was working so hard to please weren't getting all THEY deserved either, because i wasn't happy. It all goes back to the saying "to love another you must first love yourself". And i think it goes the same for forgiveness. I've had a lot of people do some pretty horrible things to me in my life, and i realize that i've been holding them inside for so long they were festering and killing me. I'm ready to let them go now. The people who hurt me can't hurt me anymore. I'm not the little girl cowering in her bedroom praying the door doesn't open that night. And i'm not the teenager who can't breathe because the love of her life splattered his brain across the wall. And i'm not the woman who let another man abuse her to get what he wanted.

Now, i am a strong self sufficient woman, with two beautiful children, and a loving husband. And i am steady, and able, and willing to grow and learn new things. I will be a better person.

Today i got to thinking, and i am less than a year away from having my mornings all to myself, with Ivy and Desiree both in school (even though Desiree will only have half day pre-k next year). So i think i might try to find a class that will fill that time, or a project, or a part time job, or SOMETHING to do to fill those few hours. And then the year after, it will be a full time job during the school year. Might even try to get a job AT the school (long as it isn't lunch lady. My mom worked that job for a while, and it's crazy) IDK though. Just have to see what happens. I just know i will need to find something to keep me occupied while they are at school, because there is no way in hell i will be ok with both of them gone and Ruben asleep during the day and just me up and around all by myself.

Neway, i think now that i've let some of that out, my brain is ready to go to bed. I'm sure i will have more to say later. Been one of those weekends/weeks thus far. LATERS