Sometimes one day at a time is too much to take. Sometimes the day can be so overwhelming that all you want to do is curl up and sleep it off. Unfortunantly, there are two little people depending on me, and i can't just stop what i'm doing because i'm a little overwhelmed. Not sure what's been going on lately, but i'm starting to deal with more and more intense emotions. Anxiety over the stupidest things, frustration when things don't go right, exhaustion after just a few hours. I wish i could afford to get to the doctor and get some medicine to help with it all, but i really can't right now. There are too many other things that money has to go to. So whatever. I deal with it as best as i know how. And i'm managing to hold on to some small bit of sanity. And i guess in the long run, that's the best thing i can hope for right?
I haven't gone to the things i used to. I haven't drank, cut, popped pills, slept around, or any of the nasty things i used to do to feel alive and deal with anxiety. I've just sat down and started writing, or i've cried, or i threw stuff at my bed. It helps, but not quite enough, and the rest of the family is suffering for it. When i'm so anxious that a trip to the post office seems like mt. everest, it's a bit too much. Yesterday, i had a few errands that had to be run, like the post office and the DHS, and the thought of having to go do them on my own seemed crazy. Absolutely crazy. I ended up getting them done. But it was a daunting task to consider at the start of the day. It's not like i can't do the things that need to be done just because i'm tired or anxious. If i used that as an excuse, i'd never get anything done. So i just keep pushing through, tired and anxious and overwhelmed, and get it done. Too many people depend on me.
This past weekend my parents came up. It was a good weekend. First time in a while that we were able to really talk and not discuss religion, or get into an argument. My dad had just bought a few things, and wanted to know how good a deal he got, so we did some research online for him. They brought us a giant tote of clothes for the girls and I, and a few new oriental fans to put up in the house (which are awesome by the way). Then we went out to dinner and went swimming at the hotel. Then i came home and chilled for an hour or two with friends before going to bed. Then sunday we got up and did breakfast, and then went to the zoo. So that was nice. Walked around, got to see some of the animals that they wanted to see, and enjoy the cooler weather. Then we did lunch and let them play before they finally headed back home. It was nice to see them, and great that we got along as well as we did. I think they realize that they can't shove religion down my throat and expect a good visit. It's great!
My parents are lifesavers, seriously. Between helping us pay bills, for medicine when Ruben was in the hospital, and for clothes for the girls, and then picking things up for us that they find that they think we will like. They are where most of the decorations in our house came from, and where almost ALL of the girls clothes came from (save the few from the in laws too). In the grand scheme of things, we are very blessed. I do still watch for the other shoe though. I know it's coming. It's just a matter of when. Guess we will see what happens. Until then, i just take it one second at a time, remembering to breathe, and appreciate the good things in my life.
LATERS
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