Mania is not my friend. Not in the slightest. Especially when it's mania coupled with depression (not crippling depression. Don't get any idea that i'm all dark and down and suicidal or something. It's just moody more than anything) The two are difficult by themselves, let alone together. And right now they have my mind going about a billion miles an hour. So this is just me writing what's rambling around in my head. It's nothing more than that. Don't take anything as the solid truth, etc.
i've been really homesick today. Seriously missing my friends down in arkansas. More than i can really even put into words. Just sitting here, with Ruben asleep and no other friends around to do anything with or talk to really, it's hard. It makes me feel like i'm all alone in the world, and everyone else just remembers me when they feel like it. And that really hurts. I wish i could let them know without making them feel bad about it all. So yeah. It's really hard.
I stress out sometimes about the money too. Like right now, we have less than 1 dollar left in our bank account until Ruben gets paid tomorrow. That is not a happy feeling, not in the slightest. And on top of that, the food stamps aren't on the card either. I just hope they are on there tomorrow evening. I don't want to have to spend any more money on food if we can help it. Because we are almost out of milk, and we are gonna need more for sure tomorrow. It becomes so frustrating when we do everything we are supposed to do, and they are just so overwhelmed and over worked that they just can't get it all done in time. Now it's on the supervisors desk waiting to be signed. I just pray it's on there tomorrow night. I'm nervous too to find out how much we are gonna get. I might just need to seriously hunt and find the girls social security cards so i can go to the Masters Market when i need to. And i know i'm gonna have to start budgeting money for food, cause it's gonna go down because ruben got a raise. That has me pretty anxious. i hate not knowing what is going on. Blah.
Tomorrow Ruben gets paid, and whatever overtime he has is gonna be extra. So if he has enough, we are gonna try to get the girls costumes taken care of so we aren't stressing over that come closer to time. Desiree pretty much has her stuff already. She wants to wear her tangled dress, so we are gonna get accessories to go with that. The tangled wig and shoes, and maybe a glowing flower if we can find one, to wear so we know where she is all the time. Then we were wanting to get Ivy a dress that lights up, so we always know where she is and all that. honstly, i'm not even sure what's going on this year. i know we are gonna do the haunt the zoo, and trick or treat city. And then there are a couple other places i'm looking into taking them this year too. I have been trying to figure out if we are gonna go with a friend on actual halloween night or not. She won't reply to any of my messages, so IDK. Might see what other friends are doing and try to get in with them. So yeah. Just have to see what happens.
I hope ruben can come with us to Haunt the Zoo this year. He hasn't been able to go with us teh last two years, and i know he really wants to. And i know it would be a lot easier on me for him to be there too. And at least the only ones that get charged are the kids, so we could all four go, and enjoy it, for 14 bucks, or 12 if we prepay. Which isn't horrible. They always get lots of candy, and get to see lots of awesome stuff too. So yeah. Guess we will see what happens there too. Just have to plan for it, so we know we have the money. I'm not sure what else is going to come up, and iw ant to be sure we can make it to that. :)
I've got a lot of anxiety still about a few things. No big deal though. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen,a nd we will deal with it as it comes. It just happens that way. Life has a long history of fucking wih me just when i think it's all going ok. So i'm always waiting for everything to fall, and i'm always prepared to deal with it. That is the way it HAS to work.
Neway, for now, i've gotta get outta here and go cook diner. Watch some TV, chill out, and just try to get this tension and anxiety to go away. LATERS
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