Right now, i know i'm going manic. I can always feel it coming. It's almost like someone flips a switch in my brain, it's so fast. I'll be all normal, and busy with something else, and then all the sudden my brain is going a billion miles an hour, i am no longer tired, i feel like i could go go go for hours or even days on end, and i am very suddenly happy. And i know that it won't be a good thing. It's the moments when i feel it coming on that bother me most. I know it's not a good thing. I know that i don't eat enough, i don't sleep enough, i don't drink enough, nobody can keep up with, and at the end of it all i will crash as hard as a high speed train crashing through a solid steel wall. Which is to say, not very pretty at all. I know while i am this way i seem happy at first. I get a lot done, like keeping the house clean, even deep cleaning and organizing everything in sight. I smile more. I talk more. But as it progresses, my thoughts become more jumbled, as they come faster and faster. I get nit-picky, folding and refolding the same towel. Or i will alphabetize even the stupidest things, like magic the gathering cards, or christmas cards. I know those things are not important, but i do them anyway. My body wants to just curl up in a little ball and sleep because it has such a hard time keeping up, but my brain says fuck you, and keeps right on racing along. It has been dangerous, sometimes causing me to lose considerable amounts of weight, have dark circles under my eyes, and become severly dehydrated because i jsut don't think about eating or drinking something. I'm so focused on whatever i'm focused on, that the rest of the world just fades to black and i can see nothing else. It can be very frustrating, to sa the least. I know it's happening, and a little voice burried in the back of my head keeps screaming for me to make it stop, but it is drown out by all the other voices screaming all the other stuff that needs to be done, and done NOW!
I guess in the grand scheme of things, it's not really the worst thing that could happen. I could have cancer. I could have MS, or some other disease that could cause me to die, or become paralized. I have a very understanding circle of friends and family, who help remind me to eat and drink and try to sleep while it's all going on. I am safe, and for the most part stable. And i know when i do finally come out of it, and crash super hard, those same friends and family will be here for me to bring me back to reality then too. I am very blessed. VERY blessed.
Tonigh was Ivy's very first sleepover. It's just Aubrey, but they had a blast. They played and ran and screamed and talked. They played life, and tag, and then they curled up in the floor and watched a movie until Aubrey fell asleep and they moved to the bedroom. I am so glad they hd a good time. tomorrow i'm thinking about taking them to the zoo, if her mom will let her come with us. Ruben, i'm sure, will need to take a nap, so we will go while he's out, if that's ok. I guess we will find out what happens.
Right now though, the sleep aid and muscle relaxer i took almost an hour ago has started to kick in, and i'm actually ready to go crash. Goodnight, and thank you for listening to my random ramblings. That is, if anybody actually does read this. Oh well, it's good to get it out no matter what. LATERS
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