18/30 - Forgive

What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

Most of the things i've had to forgive have to do with myself. Things i did to people, or said to people, to push them away.  For a long time i was a person nobody should have had to be around, and i had to forgive myself for that.

But one thing I have had to forgive outside of myself is something that i unfortuantnly won't go into much detail about.  Just know it was big, and painful, and hard to handle at all.  It was a horrible 4 letter word, pushed upon me by a man who had no right to do what he did.  I'm sure, by now, you can guess what it was.  I will not say the word.  Too many horrible feelings and emotions attached to that moment in time.  But i have forgiven that moment.  That person was a horribly damaged (if not completely broken) person who just wanted to make someone else feel as miserable as he had felt.

And for a long time it worked.  I wallowed in that misery, screamed at the world for the pain, and locked myself away emotionally and physically afraid that if i let that brick wall i'd built so high fall all i'd feel would be more of the same level of pain.  I had friends push against that wall, scream back at me that it's ok to hurt, but do it where someone can actually help you through it.  Tell me that it's ok.  They would protect me no matter what.  But i was unconvinced.  I kept locked away for a long time. 

But then one day, i realized i was letting people in again.  That we were taking that wall down brick by brick and the world wasn't this dark painful place after all.  That's when i truly forgave him, and in a way, me too.  I will never forget it.  It's too much a part of me for that to happen.  But he is forgiven.  I've moved on, let more people in my life; become a better person for it. 

Now i am out in the big bad world, not hidden behind a big ugly brick wall.  I have great friends and family.  And while i'm still cautious, i know that it is ok.  :)