I guess today is a writing kind of day. Nothing super important to say. Not really. But lots running around in my head that i'd like people to hear, if they care enough to read it.
First, the last few days I have been super homesick. Missing friends and family down in Arkansas, and in other states as well, so bad it physically hurts. I think about them, and can feel my chest tighten and my eyes start to water. This is a new sensation for me. I've always missed them so bad it "hurt" but usually in the way that it made me a little sad. This physical sensation is something totally new and different. I don't like it.
I have been stressing over so many things. But at the same time, thinking about how far we've come, and what we've been through, and how we always manage to get through to the other side helps. We have the greatest friends and family in the world who go out of their way to do whatever they can to help. Everything from helping us babysit when we just have to get out (or when circumstances call for it, like the time Ruben was in the hospital) to helping us pay the bills so we can keep a roof over our head. Mind you, i HATE having to borrow money, with a passion. It's debt, and i can just deal without that. But at the same time, it has to happen or we will end up where we were when Ivy was little. Living on peoples couches and in kitchens, or as a whole family shoved into one bedroom of a house. I refuse to go back to that. I will do whatever i have to do to keep us out of that situation again.
I desperately want to make a trip to arkansas, but the car just doesn't work. It doesn't work well enough to really get across town without a fight, let alone all the way to Arkansas. I just hope we can figure it out so everything can work out right. It's exhausting. Whatever it is causes us to go through a ton of gas every time we leave the house. We think it MIGHT be the fuel pump, or another one of the sensors, but i couldn't tell you. And the other car we have doesn't even run at all. It's frustrating. I JUST WANT A CAR THAT WILL WORK!
My house is a cluttered mess. And while we should be able to fit everything into the house without much clutter, we just haven't figured out the way to make it work. I think i just need more storage solutions. We need to purge things, but it's hard to let go of things. And i think that just stems from those years of living on peoples couches, or in that one bedroom, where we just didn't have the ability to have much stuff. So now, we hold on to things with a passion. It's depressing to think about, but it makes sense too. Just need someone to come and help me see that it's just a thing, and the memories, or feelings associated to that item aren't that important. Mind you, we haven't reached HOARDING status yet, but i have a scary feeling it will end up that way if we keep down the path we are on now. Somebody, ANYBODY, please come help me! It's seriously frustrating to KNOW what i need to do, and the best ways to do it, but not be able to follow through because it's hard for me to deal with that added anxiety.
I need to make time to actually make friends up here. But then again, there's a horrible anxiety involved with that process for me too. Making new friends was always hard. Most of the friends i have i've had for YEARS and YEARS! When i try to make new friends, and try to get to know people, especially when there are others that know them already, it feels like i'm imposing myself on them. And i HATE that feeling. So i spend a lot of time alone up here. The few times i've made it a point to invite someone else, and we've actually managed to get to go do something, it's been "nice" but seriously anxiety filled for me. And of course, i can't come straight out and tell them how i'm feeling, because they look at me like i'm crazy and run like the wind. Seriously sucks. I guess i just need better anxiety management.
Right now i'm watching the show from OWN called Extreme Clutter with Peter Walsh. I loved his show he had before. Clean Sweep i believe it was called. He always has such good ways of handling things. I am gonna try to follow some of the ways he does things so we can get it taken care of. Sorting through things, into piles. Keep, donate, or trash. And actually follow through with what pile they are in. If it's donate, take it to Goodwill, or the Masters Market, or another charity and let it go. If it's trash, bag it up and take it to the dumpster. If it's keep, actually find a place for it. I just have to get it done.
For now though, i'm gonna curl up in my pjs, eat something and take something for my headache, and watch some more of Extreme Clutter. At least it makes me feel better that i haven't gotten to that point. My house is CLEAN compared to anyone on this show, or Hoarders, or Hoarding: Burried alive. When i watch them, it helps me get motivated. And i'll get rid of a few things. I just need to get REALLY motivated and get it all done.
It's about time to combine bedrooms. Desi has been sleeping in Ivy's bed anyway. It wouldn't be too much of a problem to put her bed in there. At least, not if we could get their toys under control. I guess we will just have to get things to organize them into so that i can make what we want to keep organized and fit into everything else.
LATERS!
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