This post might be a little difficult for some of you to read.
I'm sorry in advance.
Please don't hold anything in this post against me
LOVE YOU ALL
The other day I had a friend say something that really got me thinking. Now, I know I'm not perfect. I make a lot of mistakes, some over and over and over. You'd think by now that I'd know better, right? lol. But life doesn't seem to work that way, and most of my mistakes are because of being so damn emotional about everything. I let the stupid little things stress me out, or think it's the end of the world when someone does or says something a little mean because they are having a bad day. I hate confrontation, and anytime I'm faced with it I turn into a ostrich and just want to hide my head in the sand. And sometimes that leads me to hide in other things. Not so good things. In the past it's been anything from narcotic painkillers, bottles of high alcohol liquer, promiscous or reckless behavior, or other drugs. Probably came a little close to dying more than I'd like to count.
I'm sorry in advance.
Please don't hold anything in this post against me
LOVE YOU ALL
The other day I had a friend say something that really got me thinking. Now, I know I'm not perfect. I make a lot of mistakes, some over and over and over. You'd think by now that I'd know better, right? lol. But life doesn't seem to work that way, and most of my mistakes are because of being so damn emotional about everything. I let the stupid little things stress me out, or think it's the end of the world when someone does or says something a little mean because they are having a bad day. I hate confrontation, and anytime I'm faced with it I turn into a ostrich and just want to hide my head in the sand. And sometimes that leads me to hide in other things. Not so good things. In the past it's been anything from narcotic painkillers, bottles of high alcohol liquer, promiscous or reckless behavior, or other drugs. Probably came a little close to dying more than I'd like to count.
Yet when things start going bad, those are the first things my brain likes to wander to.
That friend said to me that he can't care about what I'm doing because he doesn't want to get hurt when the inevitable happens, and when I asked what he meant he said this:
What you do is either going to kill you immedietly through overdose or other extreme, Or it's going to cut your life short in another way.
And that actually scared me.
I probably knew that. Don't get me wrong - I knew most of what I was doing wasn't good for me. I never claimed that it was. I mean, cutting leaves scars, but I never thought about if I went a little too far while I was doing it, ya know? Narcotic painkillers gave me one hell of a high, but I didn't think about the OD part of it all when i was popping them. Alcohol numbs everything out and makes the pain easier to handle, but alcohol poisoining and alcohol withdrawl are very real dangers when you take it too far. These are all things that I - as an addict - never cared to think about. But hearing him say that he couldn't care because of those things hit me hard. I don't ever want people to have to feel that way. i want people to love me as much as I love them, ya know? I can't stand to be alone, and it felt like I was being left alone when he said that (mind you, i know he wasn't. Thus the emotional overload statement up above, lol. But it sure as hell felt that way) I'd been holding on to things for a while now. Things that I never touched, and never really even honestly thought about using. They were passing thought kinds of things - holding them "just in case it ever got bad enough". But last night I went through the house and got rid of EVERY SINGLE ONE. Flushed any pill I had, dumped out every bottle I had, even put the blades I had in a place that they are out of sight so they will eventually be out of mind unless I just REALLY need them (like for self deffence, or something like that) I know I had told a few friends that I already did that, and I'm sorry for not being completely honest. I never used them - That I swear to you on everything I hold dear. But now they are gone, forever. And I refuse to look back.
I probably knew that. Don't get me wrong - I knew most of what I was doing wasn't good for me. I never claimed that it was. I mean, cutting leaves scars, but I never thought about if I went a little too far while I was doing it, ya know? Narcotic painkillers gave me one hell of a high, but I didn't think about the OD part of it all when i was popping them. Alcohol numbs everything out and makes the pain easier to handle, but alcohol poisoining and alcohol withdrawl are very real dangers when you take it too far. These are all things that I - as an addict - never cared to think about. But hearing him say that he couldn't care because of those things hit me hard. I don't ever want people to have to feel that way. i want people to love me as much as I love them, ya know? I can't stand to be alone, and it felt like I was being left alone when he said that (mind you, i know he wasn't. Thus the emotional overload statement up above, lol. But it sure as hell felt that way) I'd been holding on to things for a while now. Things that I never touched, and never really even honestly thought about using. They were passing thought kinds of things - holding them "just in case it ever got bad enough". But last night I went through the house and got rid of EVERY SINGLE ONE. Flushed any pill I had, dumped out every bottle I had, even put the blades I had in a place that they are out of sight so they will eventually be out of mind unless I just REALLY need them (like for self deffence, or something like that) I know I had told a few friends that I already did that, and I'm sorry for not being completely honest. I never used them - That I swear to you on everything I hold dear. But now they are gone, forever. And I refuse to look back.
It's a big step. Facing the fact that I have to officially face everything that happens in my life head on. That's scary. But I have the greatest friends and family in the world, and I know I can call them anytime I need them to talk me down or help me through something.
The future is a bright place now - and I WILL BE AROUND to get to enjoy it. :)
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