And I'm tired of people expecting me to be more than that. Not gonna name names, cause it's not important who it is. It's there loss really cause I'm AWESOME!
At least, I think I am, haha.
I love with a passion as hot as the sun. I fight for what I believe in (Although, it took YEARS for me to start doing that) I give everything I have to those I love, and I will do whatever I possibly can when they are in need of ANYTHING. And it truly breaks my heart when I'm not able to do enough to truly healp them. I find the beauty in the little things that most people take for granted. I cry over sappy movies, and get scared over truly suspensful moments in scary movies. I write what is running through my brain, even if it really doesn't make sense to anybody but me. And hell, I'm not even sure anybody reads this anymore.
But truthfully, that's ok. Because I'm not really writing for them anyway. If they wanna read it, great. But otherwise, it's a place for me to clear the clutter that likes to gather in my head.
Mania is funny like that
I don't care if you like me because of who I am. I don't care if you don't like the choices I make (as long as they aren't dangerous to me or mine - which you KNOW I don't do on purpose anymore, although my mania makes it hard to deturmine what's good and bad sometimes. SOOO glad I have amazing friends and family, and an awesome husband, who help keep me in line)
I am ME
And ya know, I'm FINALLY completely ok with that.
It only took 30 years, haha. I haven't always liked certain things about myself. Some were stupid things - like how much I weighed, or how much my face would break out. Some were actually important, like how I became such a hermit for such a long time when what I really needed was companionship. It may not be all that often, but I'm making a point to reach out to others more now, and that's HUGE for me. But the older I get, and the more I REALLY think about it, the less the little things really bother me. Yeah, I'd still like to lose a few inches around my middle. Yeah, I'd like to be able to find something to keep my face from breaking out when I get stressed out, or when I've been out in the sun sweating for too long. Yeah, I'd like to actually do more on my good days.
But you know what? Those are LITTLE things. Because at the end of the day, I still have amazing friends and family. I have two amazing little girls who are SOOO smart! (Ivy is on the Honor Roll yet again! With all As and Bs - bringing up a D in writing!!!! - and Desi can count super high for a 4 year old, knows all her colors - She created a rainbow car earlier today with her blocks ALL ON HER OWN - knows most of her shapes, and is working really super hard on her letters and what sounds they make - even sounding out short little words) We live in a pretty nice apartment (although it needs a good deep clean and purge - hopefull I can get that done the first little bit of summer). I have things that I get excited about (like going to Frontier City this summer!!!) Now instead of the BAD little things, I notice the GOOD little things a lot more. And it's made a HUGE difference in the way I see the world, which is AWESOME!
Yeah, I still have emotional days. But instad of bottling it all up and exploding under the pressure, I actually let myself cry, or write about it, or draw about it, or talk to someone. And then I move on and leave it where it is. I'm done sitting on the side of the road while the rest of the world passes me by. I may not be able to take it as fast as some people do, but I am up and moving and learning and doing new things. And for those of you that have known me for long enough, you know that's a pretty darn big step for me.
I don't try to fit in either. I found a group of gamers that I fit in with pretty darn well. We play all kinds of different tabletop wargames - like Warmachine, Hordes, Noble Armada. We play ADULT card games - like Ascension (sp?) and Munchkin. And we've even got a few games that are more along that line that we can play with the girls - like Super Dungeon Explore and D&D (softened up a bit for the girls, lol). And it's nice because we get together once a month and have a gaming day for a good 8 hours. That's nice. And a couple of them are moms, and one in particular is one of my favoritest people up here, even though we don't get to see each other very often. Her oldest son had Cancer, and made it through. So it's good for the girls too. So it's been fun to get them all together for playdates and the likes. HOPEFULLY we are able to get together more this summer too since we won't have school, ya know?
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Tomorrow is gonna be a pretty busy day. Gonna walk Ivy to school at 8:40, then we go to cash Ruben's paycheck and pick up the stuffs we need to pick up, then at 1:00 I go pick up the Base Pass for next week. Then I'm gonna get some birthday shopping done for Ruben's birthday. Then pick Ivy up and wrap everything.
Then Friday is Ruben's bday party in the evening. So I'll probably get some work done around the house in the main rooms. It shouldn't take TOO long. And I might even pick up some cleaning stuffs for the kitchen area tomorrow so we can get it to look and smell awesome. :) Then the party will be about 6 pm with some snacks, and gaming. Probably have WM/H in the kitchen, and then set up Super Dungeon Explore for the girls and whoever else doesn't wanna play in the kitchen. Have a good kid friendly movie going in the background, and some snacks and stuffs. Doubt we will do TOO much, but it'll be worth it.
Saturday is gonna be family time for his b-day. MIGHT go to the zoo for a little bit, or for a picnic at a local park, or something like that, before it gets TOO hot. Then - of course - it's game night with Daniel. If I can actually manage to stay awake this week, haha. The last few I haven't been sleeping too well, so once bedtime rolls around I'm always exhausted.
Then Sunday is Laundry day - which is KINDA a day off. We do the laundry at his mom and dads house, so I get help watching the girls and keeping them occupied, which is a chore sometimes, lol. So that SHOULD be nice, lol.
Monday I'm going to help kinda clean and organize for the family on base because they've got orders to go to Alaska! And they will be leaving this June, so they are starting to organize stuff so that when the movers pack everything up they will know where the important stuff is. I HOPE that one day soon she can take me around and make introductions - cause It'd be nice to keep some contact on base so I can make a little money here and there, ya know? But I guess we will see. Then I gotta get my kitchen cleaned out for Pest Control to come out Tuesday morning. UGH! I HATE DOING THAT!
Tuesday is gonna be a bit busy. It is pest control in the morning. Then It is also Ivy's last day of school. And while that's an exciting time, it's also a bit sad. Neither of her best friends will be at the school with her next year - one is in Texas and one is moving to another neighborhood and won't be in the same school. Although, the one that's just moving neighborhoods will still be able to hang out on occassion, and the one in Texas will be able to call and write and all that jazz. But still, sad. I remember how hard it is to not really have any REAL friends at school. Although, she's having an awards ceremony, and is getting award FOR SURE, so I'll have to be sure to make that. Then, I MIGHT be going back on base, although I kinda hope not and that I"ll be doing it Wednesday instead.
If I don't end up going on Tue, I'll go back out on Wed and finish up everything on base. Then probably gonna come home and crash out for a while, haha. Gonna be exhausting, but I'm glad that I can still help, ya know? Then that afternoon we MIGHT get together with her friend from Texas to go do something. Might have a slumber party again too, cause I know the girls would LOVE that. Just have to see what happens.
Thursday and Friday SHOULD be just relaxing around the house, HOPEFULLY.
Then the week after starts the REAL summer break, haha. Not a clue what we are gonna do first, but I know it's gonna be pretty awesome. Gotta get out to the Library and pay my fine out there so we can start going again - and summer will be the best time to go do it. MIGHT even look into the summer reading programs for the girls, cause I'm sure they would have a blast with some of that. Probably go swimming at the hotel, do trips to the zoo, and a few other things like that. Nothing EXPENSIVE, but all fun. Guess we will find out huh?
Ok, I think I've rambled enough for tonight, haha. Got pizza in the oven, So You Think You Can Dance on Tv, comfy pjs and a fuzzy blanket with my feet propped up cause my legs are giving me hell. But all in all it's a pretty darn good night. Lovin life.
LOVE YOU GUYS!
LYZ
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