Trying to find that moment

I've been trying to find that moment. You know the one I mean. The one that takes your breath away. The moment that makes waking up in the morning worth all the pain and fear and stress.Those moments haven't been as easy to see the last little while.  Between the struggles of my body not cooperating, and the struggles of not being able to find something to keep me happy and occupied, instead of just floating through the day. 

I'm not DEPRESSED by any means.  I've been depressed before, where everything from eating a meal to getting dressed was a constant battle.  Where you can't find anything to smile about, let alone to make you happy.  I've been there before.  Been on the verge of suicide (thank GOD for wonderful friends who knew what was going on and pulled me back from that cliff - cause life is definently different now). 

I honestly think I'm just BORED.  Been stuck in the same routine for a long time now.  I love a lot about my life, don't get me wrong.  I love our zoofriends pass, and the abillity to take the kids - and sometimes their friends - to the zoo whenever we wanna go.  I love the water canal - and the places on the canal like the Bricktown Candy Company, and the Harkins movie theatre - and the fact we can go down there for a walk almost any morning and find something new.  I love the Myriad Gardens and how BEAUTIFUL they are now that they've remodeled.  It's nothing to do with my life.  It's just that we can't afford to do anything NEW, and sometimes that's all I crave. 

I wanna be able to jump in the car and drive out to a new place with friends.  I wanna be able to afford a new resturant when we wanna try it.  I wanna be able to try new things.

And instead, we are constantly living from paycheck to paycheck right now.  We don't have a good running car so we can't leave the metro area - and we can't afford to get it fixed or to fix our other car.  We struggle sometimes just to pay the bills and get to enjoy time with the girls.  Now, we do the best we can with that.  Thank goodness for board games and video games, and walks in the park.  Cause without that we'd probably ALL go crazy! lol.

<(:)>

UGH!  Sometimes I hate people sitting behind desks who don't know how to do the job they are assigned to do.  Ruben's check is 2 days short because the payroll office screwed it up.  They are gonna cut him a check for it - probably Monday - but that means we won't get it until Tuesday.  Which of course is 2 days late to pay the rent on time.  PISSES ME OFF!  We will pay part of it, but have to pay the rest late - and that means late fees.  Mind you, it's only 10% - so we will only have 7 or 8 dollars in late fees, but that's a couple gallons of car gas we could have used to go do something fun. 

Whatever though.  Could be worse.  Could be where we were last year having to borrow crazy amounts of money just to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads.  Could be struggling to just make it through with nothing extra and nothing fun.  Stressed out all the time, and then dealing with everything else on top of it.

But life has gotten better - not perfect by any means though.  We still have our battles, and I'm sure that's something we will have to deal with for a long time.  I'm hoping when Desi starts school I'll be able to find a job that will finally let us get off government aid, and let us have a chance to get our own house - and be able to afford it on our own.  A moble home even.  Just something that we can FINALLY call our own, without having to pay RENT to someone else.  Mortgage payment - maybe.  We are HOPING to be able to pretty  much just flat out buy it - or at least pay a good chunk towards it so we don't have to make a lot of payments on it.  I'm pretty sure we could do something like that.  I guess we will see though.  HOPEFULLY I can find something that I can actually do that won't be too hard physically - cause I don't see myself getting well enough to work something that's physically taxing, ya know?  Maybe I can find office work somewhere.  Just have to see.

For now, I'm gonna go take my meds and try to crazy.  Been a day, I'll tell ya what.  Between the weather kicking my butt.  Ivy coming home with some seriously bad grades (although, we did find out that her grades are all above a D now, so that's good), and now this with his paycheck - I'm DONE with today.

LATERS!