Thinking too much can do that sometimes

Now, just remember that most of this is just thing that have been rambling around in my brain.  Remember that I have been getting the help I need, talking to the people who can do something about it. Remember that I know most of this is just the ramblings of depression, and the BS that it likes to throw up in the tiny little dark moments that everyone deals with.

 

It is NOT something I would ever act on. It is not something that I could ever put the people in my life through like I've been put through it.  I know that life is beautiful, and I am truly blessed with amazing friends and family who would do anything in their power to show me the good things in my life. I do see them. Sometimes they are shrouded in darkness because of the depression, but they are always there. Always pulling me to the light.

 

But the darkness is still there.

 

The bad, nasty, dark thoughts still ramble through my brain.

 

Sometimes I think the world would be better off without me. That I am a burden, and it will only get worse, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.  Between my MS, and the mental BS I deal with, I just think the would could be a much happier place if I weren't constantly in it bringing everyone down.

 

I have often just wanted to slip into oblivion for a while. Not die. Never die. But just forget the world exists for a while.  Have any of you ever felt that way?  I know a lot of people deal with depression.  I know a LOT of people who have had to deal with fighting things that they don't want to fight.

 

But I know too that it's sometimes hard to do alone.  Trust me, I've been fighting it for the majority of my life. 

 

I am truly blessed with the most amazing friends in the world - who have gone above and beyond to do whatever they could to help - even if it was just sit and talk to me for hours to bring me back down to earth.

 

I have the most amazing family who would do the same thing - and who have. 

 

I have an amazing support group - both for my MS and for my mental BS.  I know an officer here in the city with me that is going to help me find financial assistance to get a therapist again. Who has said that if I ever needed someone to take me to the crisis center he would come and take me. I just hope that he can help me find a therapist that will see me for free, because that's the only real way I can make it work right now (at least until my Disability works out).  I had a therapist YEARS and YEARS ago that helped me more than anything else.  It would be fantastic to be able to do that again. But I guess we will see.

 

I took today away from the kids to have some alone time. I needed the time away. Sometimes alone time is a very bad thing, but right now it was what I needed I think.

just wish my brain would shut up

 

Just wish the darkness would go away

 

But that comes with time I guess huh?

 

For now, I'm gonna go distract myself for a bit till time to go get the girls.

LATER TATER!