"I'm fine" - except I'm not

This last little bit has been exhausting. Between my MS and all the crap that comes with that, and now the PTSD (YAY it has a name) I haven't been doing so well.

 

 

Been dealing with some pretty serious depression.

Thankfully I have amazing friends and family.

I have people willing to fight for me

and that makes me want to keep fighting.

 

I often find myself saying I'm fine.

Telling people that everything is ok

Even when it's not

I hide things

I hide everything actually

I hid the PTSD for YEARS.

I didn't tell people about it at all

I just kept it inside and hid it

and it kept pulling me down

And it broke my heart

but I couldn't change it.

 

Depression is a picky mistress

I could find things that kept me happy for a bit

but then that happiness and joy

would be drowned out by depression

drowned out by darkness

drowned out by fear and pain

And I just wanted to die

WANTED, not WANT.  Just to make that clear.

I've come past the suicidal part of my life

I know there are things to fight for

I know there are things to live for

 

My friends, my family, and MYSELF deserve better

That's why I reached out.

That's why I'm going through Red Rock

That's why I am determined to be getter.

I WILL GET BETTER

I will

I have to



 

So if you hear me say "I'm fine"

PLEASE look a little deeper

Ask me to tell the truth.

Ask me to tell you what's really going on

because I can't hide it anymore.

I have to get better

I have to BE better.

And I will

I promise.