I hate not knowing, and more

I HATE NOT KNOWING what's going on until the last minute, with a fucking passion.
Today we have Ivy's back to school night from 4 - 6 up at her school.
The problem is we don't even know who her teacher is yet
therefore we don't know her classroom number
and i hate not know what i'm doing before i go.
I always feel like i look so stupid when i walk in and don't know what's up.
It's exausting trying to appear like i'm in control, when i don't know.
Hopefully today won't be too confusing when we get there.
I remember being little, but my mom and dad had to deal with this stuff.
Maybe they will have the class listings posted on the door
or something stupid like that so i know what's going on.
So i'm sitting here with two hours to go, not knowing
and on the verge of a panic attack already. It's not cool.
Not freaking cool at all, seriously, i hate this feeling.

So today is one of those days where i'm not doing too well mentally.
I hate this so much because there isn't anybody to help me out
With Ruben's schedule he can't be awake in time to go with me
And he's really the only one i would want with me.
I'm sure my mom in law or father in law or sis in law, or whatever
would be more than glad to come with me, but i hate asking
I really hate asking anybody at all because i feel stupid
I feel like i can't do anything at all on my own.
BLAH, maybe one day i can get over this anxiety stuffs
Next year i'm going to get health insurance, come hell or high water
so that i can go see a doc about all the stuff bothering me.
Until then, i just have to suck it up, put on a happy face
and make the world believe that i'm ok in social situations

These are the days i wish i never had to deal with groups of people
At least people i don't know that well, you know?
I can handle groups of people i know pretty well
And in all actuality i can deal with groups i don't know
but they usually require alcohol of some kind, blah.
I know i can't drink before every social situation
So i need to find some way to deal with this without it.
GRRR, GRRr, GRrr, Grrr, grrr!
No point in bloging about this anymore, so lets change the subject, shall we?

I am in the process of trying to lose weight and tone up.
Not a TON of weight, just about 20lbs total, down to 120ish
I mainly want my tummy toned up because it's fat to me
I want to be back down to the little self again
I know it's never going to be like it was before
at least without drastic measures, which i refuse to do again
So i have to learn to be happy with a little bigger figure
Any ideas on ways to help tone down quickly would be wonderful
and any ideas about weight loss would be great too.

I am going to get Ruben to help me clean up today because it needs it bad
Mainly small things, nothing really big by any means
I just haven't had the motivation or energy to get it done alone.
Hopefully it will actually be finished tonight
cause i'm sick and tired of it looking like this
And then Thursday i'm going to get in Ivy's room and get it organized good
Going to buy some stuff to put the clothes in so they are organized better
Hopefully it will be good and finished because then we can keep up with it.
I also need to find something to put her stuffed animals in
because what we are doing now i s just not working.
Maybe i'll get some underbed totes or baskets or something
I think that would work ok, and keep them put up better.
I don't know, i'm sure i will figure it out later.

Now, for now, i'm going to sit here and fret about this stupid back to school thing
And hopefully be proven wrong when we get there
Even though i'm going to have both girls with me, which will be interesting
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. GRRRR.
Ok, enough, laters.