I've been sober now for months. I've been doing pretty good. But the last couple days i've just been having a hard time dealing with a lot of things. I hurt from head to toe so badly that i just want to curl up and cry. I have so many emotions that they are going up and down and back up all the time. Those are the times that i used to go have a drink. It always seemed to help numb all that out. So the last couple days, my mind has been SCREAMING for a drink to ease it all up for a while. I've almost let myself give in, wanting to believe that i could do "JUST ONE" like i keep thinking. I know though that i wouldn't stop with just one. It would go from one to two to 5 to the whole bottle, and i can't afford to do that anymore. I almost lost EVERYTHING because of that, and i refuse to go through all that again. It's not worth it. It's just hard, that's all.
I got to thinking about my grandpa. I heard the song - LOVE ME - and it just made me think about him, and my great grandparents, and all the friends and family i have lost, and it made me cry, hard, for a few hours. The one that really hurts the most, is the love of my life who is dead now. It made me want to believe in heaven so that i can believe that i will see him again when i'm dead. I don't, most of the time, because it's just not something i can imagine. I just have to believe that he's gone, and i'm never going to see him again. But listening to certain songs just makes me want to cry when i think about all of them being gone and i'm never going to see them again. It makes me think too about those of us that got left behind, and how bad it hurts all the time because of it all.
I just wish i could go to a psychologist or something because i need to actually talk to someone about this whole thing that isn't going to judge me because i feel a certain way. Someone who might even be able to help me figure out why i am feeling things so intensly. I can't afford that though. Hell, i can't even afford to go to the doctor when i'm feeling so much pain that i need something to help me just to function. I can't afford to go to the doctor when i'm actually sick. I just have to hope it's not going to get that bad, you know? Oh well, maybe i can get some health insurance this next year. It would be really nice to get to go to the doctor when i needed to. Maybe i could even find a doctor who would be willing to work out some pain management with me so that i don't hurt so freaking bad all the time. That would make me so much more of a happy person. I get so angry all the time when i'm hurting so bad and i don't have any help with the girls or the house because of our schedules. Guess i'll just have to wait and figure it out later.
For now i really need to get off my butt, take some more painkillers, and try to get Desiree to take a nap before she drives me freaking crazy. Then maybe once the painkillers kick in i will actually feel like cleaning up the house because it's a fucking mess and i'm tired of looking at it all. So i'm going to get outta here for a while and hopefully get something accomplished. LYZ
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