I wish i were dreaming instead of living......

Living is just too hard to do sometimes. I need to find something new to release the pressure that seems to build and build sometimes. I can't do the things i want. well, i'm not supposed to at least. Sometimes i find myself staring down a knife, and right now, i'm afraid that it's going to win if the pressure gets much worse. I have a wonderful friend, and we have agreed that i should avoid the sharp objects, and i want to be able to do that. i really do, and i hate the thought of letting him down. But at the same time, i know that when it gets bad enough, i don't know how to handle it very well. It's usually down to the bottle of liquor or the sharp objects, and neither one really work for very long. But at least they work for a short period. it's better than nothing as far as i'm concerned. There are things i need to talk to people about, and maybe i can bring myself to do so sometime soon. I'm afraid of what they would do if they found out the truth. it's terrifying sometimes to have these secrets, cause i'm so afraid that if i let something slip that they will take it and turn it on me. That's what happened the last time i let others know about things. they turned it on me, and interrupted our lives for 9 whole fucking months. It's not worth it, at all. so i have to make sure that i completely trust the person that i tell these things to, and that they are able to just sit and listen and not do anything unless i asked them to. The question is, to you reading, are you willing to be that shoulder to cry on, the ear to listen, and the friend that i need, without butting your head where it doesn't belong, and without doing things without talking to me first? Cause that's what it's going to take before i can let myself open up. I don't trust very many people, and it's so very hard to gain trust when it's been betrayed so many times before. So let me know that you are that trustworthy person, and that you won't do anything without talking to me first. If you can do that, i will send you the e-mail to read what i need to talk about.

Lyndsey