This has been one of the worst days i've had in a very long time. I've been fighting with a lot of emotions lately, and today they all came to a head, and caused a really huge fight between Ruben and I. I hate days like that. I just want to be able to talk to him again, because the last few months i feel like i haven't been able to say much of anything because he's always taking it as a personal attack. I don't mean it that way, and i don't think i'm saying it that way, but that's how he's taking it. I've tried to say it in a way that is as calm and patient as possible, and he still takes it wrong. It's so frustrating because i need to talk to him, to tell him how i'm feeling, and yet at the same time i don't want to any more because it feels like every time i do we end up either fighting or going our seperate ways, and that's just not worth it to me, not at all.
I wait all week for Friday, because Friday is the one day a week where i get to spend all day with Ruben and then sleep next to him that night. Or at least, that's supposed to be the plan. As of late, we spend the day doing our own separate things, and then i don't get much sleep at all that night. I don't know if it's just because of the little things like Desiree whining in her sleep, and Ruben snoring, or if it's just because i'm so used to sleeping alone during the week that when there is someone else in the bed it's uncomfortable, or what. I just don't really know, and it's frustrating as hell because when i can't sleep at night, i don't get to enjoy Saturday which is the other day we get to spend together. We don't get much time, and i just want to be able to enjoy it, and instead i constantly feel like there is something wrong.
The last little while i have felt completely alone. I feel like i get minimal help with the house and the girls, and when he does help it just feels like he's doing it because i've asked him to help a million and a half times. And then it's just not worth it because he complains the entire time, and does a half ass job. He does the dishes on a regular basis, and that's about it. It's only when the trash has started overflowing the trash can that he takes it out, and the same with the cat litter. I can't really handle either one with the fact that i handle Desiree as much as i do. I mean, i could, but it's such a hassle to clean up my hands and all that when i'm finished, and still keep up with the girls. It just doesn't seem like i'm asking him to do that much, and he still complains like shit when he has to do anything else. I bust my ass to keep up with the girls and the house, and when he wakes up it feels like the only things he sees are the things that i DIDN"T get done during the day. And i really don't think he understands just how frustrating that is for me. I never feel good enough anymore, and on top of it all i can't talk to him about it because he makes me feel even worse. "Well, i work all night to support you", or "you don't really have THAT much to do, why can't you do it all" So often lately i feel used and that's not a good feeling at all.
I have been so stir crazy recently it's not even funny, but i don't like to do things by myself, and i don't like having to drag the girls along with me to go do something, and Ruben and I only get the two days together and i don't want to drag Ruben to go do something that he doesn't want to do, and we can never get a babysitter without having a huge hassle, so therefore we don't ever really do anything. It gets so frustrating to want so desperately to go do something new and exciting, and to not be able to because of one of those reasons. At least during the summer we got to go for walks in the morning. It might not have been much, but it was SOMETHING. I miss that. I miss that REAL time with the family. No this sit around the house watching tv and eating time. NOT the watch the girls because Ruben is playing grand chase (and i have begun to HATE that game).
Today this argument just brought a lot to the surface. Between him and I we said a lot of hateful things, and it's still hurting as we speak. Hell, even in his sleep he said some hateful things. I can't hold on to these thoughts and feelings much longer. I already feel like i'm going to explode. But again, i can't tell him that because then he would make it even worse. It's just not worth it. But i HAVE to find some way to help release this tension. I need to do something, anything, to make it less intense. But all the things that i can think of that i KNOW help, i can't do, because of the promises i've made to friends and family, and to myself. I wanted so badly today to finish off the alcohol i have in the house because i know that would ease the tension a little. While we were fighting i wanted to find the nearest knife and just put a little cut or ten on my leg to bleed it out, but i know that would piss me and other friends off. I wanted to go take a few too many painkillers and get a little high off that, but again, it would make me feel bad and piss off those friends. So instead i've just held on to them, and they are bottled up inside, and they are drowining me, but at least they aren't hurting anybody else. I HATE THIS FEELING, but there is nothing that i know of other than those listed above that actually help, and in the long run they just make things worse, so it's such a double edged sword.
I am going to go lay back down, and hopefully i can manage to get at least 5ish hours before i have to be up and around with the girls. Then maybe i could get a nap or something when Desiree lays down. I hope we actually get to go do SOMETHING tomorrow. I want to go to that septemberfest down by the capital, but i don't know if Ruben actually wants to go or not, and it's just the one day, and it might rain, so that might not happen. Hopefully it does cause i think it would be fun. Just have to wait and see what happens though i guess huh? Neway, wish me luck on getting more sleep, and that tomorrow is a MUCH better day than today, because i don't think i can handle another bad day this week. This was number 2. BLAH. Night night.
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