rant and rave and wish and pray

I fucking hate it when i feel like crap like i have all day today. I have hurt from head to toe for the majority of the day, with only some relaxation when i took half of the lortab that i have. I hate having to take those, for sure. But it helped me get some things done at least a little. Got part of the bedroom done, and i hope that tomorrow i can feel better so i can get things done too. I want to believe that it's going to be better, and i dream that it's true every night. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, and most of the time it's annoying.

For some reason today has been extremely emotional. I'm betting it is because it's a monday and the weather is rainy. That's probably why i'm hurting, and probably why i've felt like i was on the verge of tears all damn day. It's not the end of the world, just really annoying. I feel so isolated right now. I don't have anybody to really spend time with right now, and the little time that i have with Ruben just doesn't help the lonliness that i feel sometimes. Yeah, i get to see him, and yeah, i spend time with the kid, and wednesdays i get to see Jaqui for a couple hours. It's not that i don't have time with people, but i don't have fulfilling emotional moments. It's exausting sometimes, because if i try to tell someone they think i'm just wanting attention. I want to drink myself stupid sometimes to kill the feelings that i have sometimes. I know that if i do that things will go downhill really fast, but it is still one of those things. That used to be the way that i coped with things. I used to either drink, or take pills, or cut myself, or have crazy stupid sex to forget things. It's insane. BLAH!

I feel horrible sometimes because I really don't have much to complain about in my life. I know so many people dealing with far worse things, and they all deserve much more than that. My sis in law is still dealing with some serious shit. An old friend is dealing with coming back from overseas, and from being enlisted, and it's heartbreaking because he was such a wonderful person before that, always happy, and this has torn him apart and made him bitter and angry, and that's so sad. I have no right to complain, because i have a good life. We have all the money we need, plus some. We have a roof over our head, food in our stomachs, and clothes on our backs. We have time together, and it's ok in the long run. But it's just one of those moments. So anyway, i need to go check the pizza and fri's, finish getting Ruben to wake up, eat, and try to take a nap. See if i can feel better tomorrow, cause i certainly need it, for sure.

LATERS