To fill the silence.....

Silence is both a welcome release from the long day and an overwhelming sensation. It's so hard to fill the silence with things you want to hear, but oh so easy to be flooded with memories and tears. I find my mind wanders a lot more when there's nothing to fill the space. And it never wanders to places i want it to be, but instead it shows me things i've lost, or things i fear, and people i can never see or touch again. Hanting moments, and even more haunting eyes. I find myself dreaming lately about the people i left behind. Mind you, I don't regret leaving that old life behind for the new one i now find myself in, but at times, i do still miss them. I miss the freedom that i had back then, even though i wasn't really as free as i seemed to think i was. i know that those things were really bad for me, and that it saved my life to get away from them. If i were still there, i would be in one of a couple places. I would either be severly addicted to some serious hardcore shit, i would be in the hospital or rehab because of said shit, or i would be dead and burried 6 feet under. none of which are good thoughts. I am happy that i found ruben when i did, because he gave me the chance to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I found a reason to stop, which is what all real addicts need. Now i find myself wanting to hide away again. It's frustrating to say the least since there is nothing really in the way that would make things worse. Instead of things going bad, they are actually going pretty good. I know i've been spoiled a little bit as of late. The money situation is wonderful right now, although it could always be better, as everyone knows. There is a roof over our head that we can do what we want to do with it, and we have some nice plans. And we can actually afford this place, unlike anywhere else that we have ever dealt with. We have a really good Landlady who, when things got a little crazy last week, was just as concerned as we were. Hopefully i'm not getting myself too excited that everything has worked itself only to have it come crashing down on our heads. i'll find out tomorrow what's going on. Since i'm going to take her the rent tomorrow. i hate the fact that it had to be so late, but shit happens sometimes, and with me driving clear across town, a few days late to replace a tire doesn't make me feel TOO bad. Speaking of going out there, i really enjoy getting to go out and help, but the last two times i've gone out there the chick i'm supposed to be HELPING hasn't been awake. It's kinda frustrating since i was doing it not only to help clean and organize, but to get to visit with her as well. Instead, i've had to fight off the advances of the other guy living there, lol. We all knew he's a little off, and a little horny, which i don't mind sometimes, but i'm not going out there and getting paid to play with him. I'm there to do a job, which is what really matters right? I just hope that she will be awake sometime soon, cause i really want to get to actually spend time with her. I need to just make time to get out there at a time that she would actually be awake so we can go do something. Maybe this weekend we can get together and go to the movies or something. I know i mentioned it to James, but i don't know what's going on just yet. And i'm planning a halloween party that i'm sure nobody will show up for. It has happened like that for me my entire life. Any time i have planned a party EVER nobody shows up. even for Ivy's birthday party, the only person that showed up for Ivy was Ryan, which really pisses me off. But whatever, i can understand that some people have good reasons not to come. Sometimes though it just feels like people are shrugging me off. I have always had a problem thinking that people either don't like me, or don't want to hang around me, or that i'm always doing something wrong. it's beyond frustrating. And of course i can't actually ask most people because one of two things will happen: they lie, or they dissapear. Neither of which is helpful. Blah, i hate this. Right now i'm sitting at home alone. Well, almost, lol. The girls are asleep in the other rooms, so i'm the only one awake. It's so lonely at night, and oh so very hard to fall asleep. I often cry myself to sleep, sometimes due to how lonely it is, and how empty the bed feels, sometimes because the memories come flooding back as soon as i close my eyes, and sometimes because i just feel really worthless because of something that had happened earlier that day or week or whatever. Some days are really good with the whole self-esteem issue, and sometimes not so much. Lately, it's been both some days. That is so frustrating, you can't even believe. I will wake up feeling beautiful, strong, self-sufficient, and deturmined to have a good day and not let anything bring me down, and then something stupid happens, like i get attitude from some idiot online, and that all changes, and i go to feeling like the world is out to get me and i should never leave the house again because nobody would miss me anyway. If i'm not bipolar, i don't know who is, seriously. I need to find somewhere i can get some meds, or some talk therapy, or SOMETHING to help with this. Only problem is that most of the people i talk to on a regular basis just don't believe me. I'm pretty good at hiding things, and i am pretty good at being whatever you want me to be at any given moment. It seems like i have completely lost who i am and what i want because of all the time i devote to being what everyone else wants from me. I am deturmined to change that, and i'm working on it, slowly but surely. I am no longer going to let myself come off as a whore to those who think i'm sexy. I'm not going to appear available when i'm out by myself (not that i did before, but since i can't wear my rings since my hands are so damn swollen, some people assume, at least until they see the girls) I am going to start doing things that make me happy, come hell or high water. Even if it means doing them on my own, or with the girls with me, it's going to happen. I enjoy taking walks. nice slow relaxing walks downtown, down by the water canal, or down one of the walking trails. I enjoy going to the movies. Dollar, matinee, or otherwise, i enjoy being in that atmosphere. Probably since we worked there for the first year of our relationship, and that was the happiest and most free time of my life, and i fucking miss that. I enjoy reading, and writing, and drawing (even though i'm not great at it) and i enjoy coloring. I enjoy beadwork, even though it's hard to do with the girls around since they think they have to be the center of my attention all the damn time (which they really should be, but sometimes it's nice to get some time to myself to recenter) There are other things i enjoy, that i have to give up, and as much as i will miss them, it's a good thing. I have moments where sharp objects look very appealing, and at times i just can't resist. I am doing better with that, and with the encouragement of friends and family, i know i can get rid of that habit. I enjoy have a drink, sometimes too freaking much, and i overdo it. I know this, and i've come to the realization that if i keep doing that i'm setting a horrible example for the two little girls who look up to me. I refuse to be that to them. And all other things, well, they are not even remotely an option. I know that if i were to do that again, i would lose everything that i have worked so hard to get and keep. I would lose all the friends that i have struggled to make, the family that i have worked so hard to regain their trust, and the things that i have that i would not have if i were addicted to that again. I had so much before i started, and i lost it all once. i can not do that again, EVER, because i deserve better than that. My husband deserves better than that. My friends deserve better than that. And MOST OF ALL, My children deserve more than that.

So now that i've rambled away, and i'm not entirely sure what about. i will reread it tomorrow and find out what i wrote. i just needed to clear my mind before bed so that maybe i can get some good sleep tonight. I know i'm exausted physically, and now that i've written this, i'm getting there mentally too. So good night all. sweet dreams, and may you wake tomorrow refreshed and ready to tackle whatever life has to throw at you.

LYZ