Today i've been thinking a lot about the past. About things i gave up, and about things i miss. I feel like i lost everything i am and everything i love when i became a mother. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, and i would do anything for them. At the same time though it's really tough to be defined by them. I am known as Ivy's mom, or Desiree's mom. I don't get to do most of the things that i loved to do before, and having the second child makes it even more difficult. With the schedules the way they are, it feels like ALL i do is take care of the house and watch the kids. I know that isn't the truth, but the other things are so few and far between that it feels like they never happen. And now with the anxiety and everything from the accident, it is even worse. I WANT to go out, but i'm AFRAID to. Getting in the car is a struggle every single day right now. I know i could take a few bucks and go to the movies with my sister in law on saturday, or i could take 5 bucks and go get ice cream down by the canal (if it wasn't so damn cold, lol) but the thought of having to drive that far is terrifying. Especially the thought of it being the girls and I alone in the car. That scares me the most. It is so frustrating when the anxiety is so high i'm terrified of things in my own house. Anything that POPS, like biscut cans, or the toaster, makes me jump. That is frustrating. i just can't explain exactially how i'm feeling. I feel lost, alone, and scared, and like there isn't anybody or anything in the world that can make it better. Anxiety meds just ease the panic attacks, not the actual anxiety, and it's not like i can take them when i'm about to do the things that make the panic attacks happen. They make me sleepy, so taking one before driving is a no go, and that's when i seem to need it most. Frustrating, to say the least. I want to be able to go back in time, back to BEFORE the kids were born, and wait a little while. Wait to actually get married, wait to have kids, and get to ENJOY my teen/early adult years some more. I wasn't exactilly the smartest person, and i know i did some pretty stupid things, but i was, for the most part, happy. It's crazy sometimes, because i find myself longing for the things i did before. Things that i KNOW i can't do now, especially considering i am such a big part of my daughters lives. Things that would make me lose even more of who i am, and the friends that i have grown so close to. I wouldn't care, to be honest, if i did start because it makes me forget everything and everyone around me. But i don't want to wake up a year from now with even less then i have now. It's not worth it to me. It is really hard right now, because there is alcohol all over the house, and i fight the urge to drink all the time. I open the fridge and see the bottle and just want to pick it up and tip it up and let it wash away these feelings. i know i've been drinking more since the accident. It seems to help with me going to sleep at night, and it helps ease the panic attacks when i feel them coming on. I know it's not the best way to handle things, but waiting on the doctors offices to accomplish anything just doesn't seem to do much of shit. Monday, if i haven't received an e-mail by then, i'm going to give the accident clinic up just off the northwest expressway a phone call and see if they can actually do anything for me. It would be really nice to find somewhere that can find out for sure what's wrong, and maybe help with pain management. Just have to see what happens i guess.
Neway, back to reality. Desiree needs a diaper change and a nap, Ivy's screaming she's hungry, the laundry needs sorted and the living room needs cleaned back up. UGH, the same old shit is about to make me insane. Maybe if i do go insane i can be happy again, MAYBE.
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