Things i wish i could say

It's been years now since my life as i knew it came to an end.
You left me here, surrounded by the sympathetic eyes
The constant question of if i was alright, and was i gonna be ok
I got so sick of answering that question that eventually i said yes
Even though deep down inside i was nowhere near ok
Even to this day, i'm not ok, not really, but i say i am
Because if i told the truth, well, lets just say it might scare a few people
I do what i have to do to make it through the days
Taking things one second at a time, just surviving
I haven't had many moments of true happiness in my life
since that horrible day, and i still have nightmares about it
But i'm deturmined to make things better
Deturmined to let you go, and live life for the good things still left in it
So this is the first step in the right direction

You never seem to realize how difficult it is for me
You are so concerned with yourself and your problems
I give you everthing i have, sometimes even more than i've got
And it never seems to be enough, and it's exausting
And soon i'm going to be giving you even more
I rarely take time to myself anymore,
Because there is always something i feel i have to do for you
I wish i could say it straight out, and let you know the truth
But sometimes it's just not worth the argument that ensues
I love you, and i always will, but things need to change
I can only deal with this shit for so long
and it's coming to an end, i can feel it.
Last warning, lets fix this before it's broken forever

It is so sad to say that you are a spoiled brat
You are an adult for gods sake, so start acting like one
Stop expecting everyone to do everything for you
I just don't understand why you can't grow up
If you want time for your phone, get a job
If you want to get out on your own, do it
Find a job, find a house, and move out
You can't accomplish either if all you do
Is sleep all day, drink all night, and cause fights all the time
Seriously, i hope one day you can figure that out.
You used to actually try to do things for yourself
But now you are so concerned with causing drama
and making other people miserable.
What is good about? Seriously, i just can't understand
So here's how it's gonna work on my end
I'm not giving you anymore money
I'm not going to do anything for you
I'm only going to help you if it's you helping yourself
I'll drive you to a job interview
I'll help you look for a new place to live
I'll still do stuff with you, but on my terms
So yeah, get ready, cause i'm sure you're gonna hate me

I miss the days we used to spend together
Things have been so busy that i haven't seen you enough
I know i'm going to try to start getting time to visit
I want to come hang out, talk, play games, etc.
I'm closer now, and that should hopefully help with finding time
We shall see what happens, and go from there, i'm sure

You saved my life, and i know that sounds cheesy
But you did, and i'm so very thankful for that
But then you dissapeared out of my life
I know you are ok, because i've heard about you from others
But i just wish that you would chat with me sometimes
Or at least return an e-mail on occassion
I'm serious, i miss your skinny ass
I need to see you again, to thank you again
So i'm gonna send another e-mail
And hopefully you will actually reply this time

I am so sorry that things in your life have been so bad
I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it is
I've had some bad things happen in my life
but nothing as bad as that, and i wish i could help

You are such a strong woman, strong mother
I couldn't sit in your shoes without freaking out
I would have broken down a long time ago
Keep fighting, we are all still praying
And hopefully we can find a match, and a cure
and you can get your little man back and soon

I wish i could tell you the truth without worrying
I don't know what you would say, and that's terrifying
I am not the girl you think you know
I don't believe the same as you do
I can't bring myself to believe the things you do
They just seem cruel, and like someone taking control
who doesn't really deserve to be in control
I mean, seriously, there are so many religions out there
and they all claim to be the ONE TRUE RELIGION
How can there be THAT MANY, and only ONE be right?
I believe that it doesn't matter WHAT you believe
Just as long as you DO believe, and if you believe it hard enough
That it's true, no matter what anybody else thinks
I just wish you wouldn't judge me for that
And that if i took the time to tell you
That you would still be a part of my life
and still be a part of the lives of the girls
Maybe one day i will be brave enough, but i doubt it

I don't want to blame you
But at the same time, it kinda hard not to
We did everything we were supposed to do
And you didn't hold up your end of the deal
You left us in a very difficult position
And now we have had to completely change our way of life
all because you didn't do what you were supposed to do
And the lame ass excuses piss me off, just so you know
If you didn't feel like you were fit to do your part
you should have put it in someone elses hands
But you didn't, and here we sit, struggling again
And i'm terrified that things aren't going to work out
and i can't stand the thought of haveing to do that all again
If we can't make it this time, i don't want to have to start over
I don't want to have to struggle from one couch to another
Constantly fighting with new landlords and new jobs
I refuse to do that, and i'll do whatever i can to stop it
So just pray that we can make it work
because you are a fucking idiot, and it's all your fault

Yeah, that's enough for now.
Just needed to get that off my chest
And if you read it and think it's about you
That's your right to think
But i'm not going to speak names
I'm not going to start that drama
LYZ