while I sleep

While i sleep, i find myself dreaming of you. I never thought you held such power over me, but it's true. Those dreams are the only thing i have left of you, and that tears me apart. I dream of you holding me, laying in the grass in your backyard, watching the stars in the sky, and wishing on every shooting star. But when i wake up, it's like the sky has completely lost all it's stars, and the world is empty and cold. That is hard to accept sometimes. I always find myself wishing i could snap my fingers and bring you back, but i know i can't. I dream about us going for a drive in the middle of the night, going absolutely nowhere, and loving every second of it. I dream of us walking on the beach, trying to keep from getting our feet wet while we were trying to outrun the waves, and almost always failing, but loving it anyway. I dream of the times we talked about running away from our lives. Escapeing the horrors and troubles, and making our own path in the world. I guess your horrors caught up with you too fast :( I wish i could have saved you. You were my everything. The reason i got up in the morning, and the reason i kept fighting through everything going on at home. Now, i'm having to find new reasons to get out of bed. I have two beautiful girls, and a wonderful husband, and even though he isn't you, i do love him with everything i've got. I still miss you so terribly that it physically hurts sometimes. But i know that it's for the best. It would be stupid to spend the rest of my life alone just because you weren't able to deal with your life.

While i sleep i find myself dreaming of all the fun we used to have. Times from when we were little, and running on the beaches of florida, or wandering the streets of new york. Sometimes they are good dreams, remembering all the fun we had. Other times, they turn dark, from memories to nightmares, seemingly with the snap of a finger. I dream of being lost in the city, with bad people on every corner, and no way to know where i'm going. I wake up with a start, checking to make sure i'm at home in my nice warm bed. It's not fair, to say the least.

The other night i had a dream that was a little too vivid. It was me in a hospital bed. Every one of my friends were there, checking in on me, finding out from the doctors how long they thought i had left. And the numbers were always short. I never saw my own face, so i have no idea how old i was, but the friends were all just a few years older than they are now. And that, i think, is what made it so scarry. I guess we will find out in a few years won't we?

Anyway, just needed to get those out. Those were the dreams i remember from last night. I need to do some research and find out what some of them mean. I just don't feel comfortable with the way they were left.