Sometimes, i feel like i've completely lost my mind. I can barely remember what i did hours ago, i constantly forget if i left something on, where i put something, and what the name of the person i just met was. I feel like i can't keep up with my children, no matter how hard i try, and i couldn't sleep enough even if i had the chance to. I get woke up by so many different things anymore sometimes i wonder why i even bother setting the alarm, since i never get to sleep until it goes off anymore.
I just want to be able to relax a little bit. But right now, there is WAY too much going on to even squeeze in a nice long hot bath at night, let alone time to really relax. I'm stressed over the medical settlement (although, HOPEFULLY, they are coming along with that one. Should find out what's up end of the weekish, and if not, i'm so calling their asses and finding out. I'm tired of waiting) I'm stressing over the car and all it's little noises and needs. I'm stressing over the apartments air conditioning, since it seems to run all the time and doesn't really drop the temperature below 75. Maybe they figured something out today, and tonight it will get a chance to get cooler than that. I hope it does, cause i'm getting tired of this damn heat. AND i'm getting tired of opening the electric bill and finding it sitting 15-50 dollars higher than the month before because of having to run the ac all the time, UGH!. I'm tired of not being able to do anything too. This is summer vacation for gods sake, and we can't get out and go do ANYTHING. We haven't even had the 8 dollars extra we need to get the pool passes, which sucks. We have to listen to everyone else swimming in the pool right outside our door, and we can't go. GOD that's annoying. Maybe sometime soon we can get that taken care of. That would be nice to do with the girls in the morning before it starts to get busy busy. Hell, if we can't do that soon, i'm going to talk to Lindsay and see if we can't go swimming at Ruben's hotel every now and then so they girls can actually get some water time other than in the sun at mamaw's house. IDK, we will see.
I get so easily pissed off right now. I put my trust in people, and have it thrown back in my face, and it's getting really old. I make plans to do things with people, and they can't because of something coming up in their lives, which REALLY sucks when i've told the girls we get to do something, and then have to tell them that we can't. REALLY BAD! Like, for instance, we were supposed to go to the zoo last week. The girl we were supposed to go with has a zoo friends pass, and would have been able to get us in without us having to pay for the tickets, which would have been great seeing as we have no money. But that morning, her and her hubby got into a big huge harry fight. Ok, mind you, it probably needed to happen. But seriously, could it not have waited until that night, or the next morning? Seriously? Totally sucked, bigtime, since i had the girls all ready to go, and dressed and excited, and then i had to break the news that we couldn't go. OMFG, that sucked. So instead, i left Desiree home with Daddy, who she doesn't get enough time with so she spent the morning with him, and Ivy and I went down to the water canal area downtown and went for a walk. I let her pick which way, and where, and how long, and we brought snacks, and took pictures, and just had us some good mother daughter time. I need to make an effort to do more of that, even if it's just taking her to the park without desiree every now and then when Ruben's awake. She only gets so long for summer vacation, and i want to be able to make the most of it, before she's got to go back to school and only has the afternoon/evening to spend with us.
This thursday we are supposed to go do something with another mom and her three daughters. I miss those little girls, i tell ya what. I never really got to see them all that much as it was, but they steal my heart everytime i do. And the oldest has been in Ivy's class the last two years, so they enjoy playing. So we are supposed to go do something over there. Maybe swimming if it's not raining, and if it is we might put in a movie and let the girls play. I don't know. I need to get ahold of her and find out what she wants to do. I just hope it works out. AND i might try to get ahold of that girl we were going to the zoo with and try to reschedule for something this next week. I know the girls would love to go. Especially with the new Childrens Zoo opened that we haven't gotten to visit yet. OMG i want to go!! Hell, if nothing else we might pack up and just spend the money out of our extra money. I mean, for the three of us to go it's only 11 bucks. Not horrible to go spend a few hours. And if i can find someone else that can cover their own ticket to go with us, then i'd be happy with that. It's kinda hard to go with just me and the girls, so i would want someone to go with us, but i don't know for sure who would be able to. I might just break down and take them myself. I know Ivy would help me with Desiree, and they both love the zoo, and that would make their days!
Ivy won first place in the art contest at her school, and the PTA art contest too, so my mother sent her a 10 dollar mcdonalds gift card. She is so excited about that too. Heck, that is two days worth of fun for them. Take them down there, buy them an ice cream each, and let them play for al ittle while, and the closest mcdonalds is not very far away at all. So that wouldn't cost us much of anything to go do. And we like to go for walks down by the water canal. Beautiful morning, good exercise, and good family time. Even if we only take about half the walk, it's still a good time. I'm trying to find things to go do that we can do for very little money, since until we get my settlement (And i swear to god it better be before the middle of July or someone's getting a big chewing out from me, cause that's STUPID. I have been out of treatment now since April. They have had ALL of april, since my last appointment with the specalist was like april 5, ALL of MAY, and now we are in June. Seriously, if they had sent the paperwork when i spoke with them, we would already be in negotaitions. Instead, we are still waiting on the freaking first response, UGH!, ok, enough ranting about that, sorry) we are completely and totally broke. Our budget is so freaking tight, i swear it squeeks everytime we have to spend a dollar, lol. It is SO not fair for the girls. UGH!
I doubt it will happen, but it would be totally nice to get a settlement that would pay all the car payments and all the car insurance through the end of january/start of february AT LEAST. That's really not that much in our pockets. Totally that comes down to less than 3000 in pocket after the fees. NOT BAD if you ask me, and totally worth all the heartache we went through after the accident. It would be awesome if it were closer to 5000 in pocket, but i am definently not counting on that one. If we got back that much, we could afford to take time to kinda relax a bit. Maybe let Ruben take a night or two off work and go visit friends in Arkansas. Or go as a family down to the gulf or mexico for a weekend. Or somewhere else in the middle of nowhere, lol. Just something to relax. Again, i know it's probably not going to happen. Especially with the lawyers fees being so damn high, but hey, they know what they are doing and will hopefully get a better settlement than we could have dreamed to get. So please pray for us to get a little more so we can relax a bit. Make sure we can pay the rent every month, and all the bills on time and all that. Hopefully it happens soon, cause the waiting is the worst part. I hope we can get enough, cause if we wait, and we don't get enough, and i have to find a job last freaking minute, we are screwed, since not very many people are hiring that will be able to work with my schedule and the fact that i don't have a sitter for anytime other than morning hours.
I've been trying to stay upbeat though, despite all the negativity surrounding me right now. I'm trying to find the good things in my life. When the air conditioner in the car wasn't working, i reminded myself that we still have a car and we can still drive ourselves. When the air conditioner in the apartment wasn't working, i reminded myself of the house we were in and how bad it was to be BIG pregnant with only two little window units cooking the entire house and how it didn't work for crap and the house would hit upwards of 85-90 degrees sometimes. When my leg starts hurting so freaking bad it hurts to move, i remind myself that it could have been way freaking worse because the girls could have been injured, or i could have been hurt so bad that i wasn't able to walk at all, or had to have surgery. When we are scrounging to pay the car payments, i remind myself of the times where we were scrounging to pay the RENT, and how we had to move so many times because lost jobs, or because we weren't making enough at the jobs we had to pay it, and i remind myself of how we once didn't even have a car, right after Ivy was born, and we were living with my mother sleeping on a bed in her living room. We have been much worse off than we are now, and i know that things could get that bad again in a heartbeat, so i am truely thankful for the things that we do have. We once had a time where we didn't have food on the table, or a place to call our own, or a car to get us anywhere, and we had to rely on everyone else. Now we at least can keep a roof over our head, food in our stomach, and thanks to the grandparents, great grandparents, and my sister/sis-in-law (love you girls) the girls have clothes that fit, and we sometimes get new clothes too, lol.
I am starting to see that no matter how hard we work and try and fight, if the circumstances are beyond our control the best we can do is hold on for dear life and try to enjoy the ride.
I am starting to see that there are a lot of great things in our lives, and although they might not be huge, or even really extraordinary, they make things a little better every day.
i am starting to believe in the inner strength that i've been given, and in my ability to survive anything that is thrown at me, and to even be able to do it all with a smile on my face
I am starting to understand that no matter what, the happiness of my daughters is what is really important, and even when things are going bad, if i can make them smile it is all worth it.
I am starting to remember that sometimes the biggest changes happen with the smallest steps, and that the first step may be the hardest, but it does get easier with each passing step
I am starting to find better ways to show how thankful i am for the people in my life that help me up, dust me off, and push me to keep going when all i want to do is lay in the dirt
I am starting to follow my dreams, push past the pain, and step out into a better world, and that i'm going to help as many people as i can do the same thing, because a hand isn't hard to give
But for now i need to stop mindlessly rambling, get off the computer, and get back to reality. Time to clean the house up again, fix dinner, and wake their dad up so we can enjoy our evening together. Time to make sure that the family is taken care of, and maybe when the girls are in bed, get to take a bath and take care of myself for a change as well. Wish me luck, i'm gonna need it.
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