Random ramblings

It's moments like this when i wish i were single again. Single with a chance to live again. A chance to get out and go do something. I'm so tired of being stuck in the house with no money, and no time to get out and do things. I am a social bug at heart, and i NEED social interaction to help stave off the stir crazies that seem to pop into my life on a semi regular basis. I want to go out to the bar and have a drink with friends. I want to go to the club and dance and act crazy. i want to go out and sing karaoke like a fool after having a drink or two. I want to go camping, and i want to go swimming (actually swimming, with no baby to have to watch cause i can't swim that way) and i want to go floating down the river with a group of friends. I want to take a trip to New York and see a broadway play. I want to go to Florida and walk around on the beach and watch the sunset over the water. I want to go to the gulf of mexico and spend a week doing nothing but playing in the sand building sand castles, and sipping mixed drinks. I want to be able to be an adult, and enjoy the things that we never got to enjoy because of having Ivy too early. Don't get me wrong. Most of the time i'm happy with my life. I love my daughters, and I love my husband, and at times i even don't hate the animals, lol. But the last few months, with everything that's been going on, and all the things that we've been BUSTING ASS to do only to have it ripped out of our hands, i just want to get away from it all for a change.

It's Saturday, and we are gonna be stuck in the house most of the day. Which sucks. It's a beautiful day, or at least it is right now, and Ruben's still asleep so we cant go anywhere right now, and we are broke, which sucks cause there's a lot of thigns i want to do here. I want to go to the zoo, but to take Ivy and Desiree it would cost me 11 dollars. I want to go to a movie, but even if i caught a matinee that's 4 bucks i don't have. It's not fair, to be honest. But whatever. Hopefully we get the settlement back soon, and we can actually get what we need, and maybe a little extra, so we can have that extra money again. Damn that would be nice, i tell ya what!

I need to call them on Monday and find out what's going on. Hopefully they got a decent first offer and won't have to negotiate that much, because i don't think i could wait much longer. As it is, we are STRUGGLING to make ends meet. i'm making it happen, but by the skin of my teeth. My budget is so freaking tight it squeeks i swear, lol. So just pray pray pray that it happens soon and we get what we need. It's not really that much, not for all the shit we had to go through. And the fact that i'm still dealing with the pain in my leg i can't get rid of, and the extreme anxiety everytime i'm in the car and it's raining, or a car pulls up to a stop sigh too fast, or something like that. I know the chances of being in a car accident are pretty small, considering all the vehicles on the road, but i'm still terrified. I have been driving for 10 years now, and had only been in fender benders up until that big accident. One big accident in 10 years isn't bad, i don't think. But still, frustrating. And with Desiree and Ivy still being scared in the car, the soft tissue damage to my leg, and the anxiety, along with the new car and the car payments that we didn't have until the accident, i swear i better get enough to at least pay the car payments until we can get income tax, because we can't do it any other way. BLAH

I don't want to have to go back to work yet. i want to be able to be home with my girlies durring the summer, and home with Desiree during the school months. I want to be able to be around when they need me. And i can't do that if I have to go to work full time. And since i can't find a part time job that won't work me in the mornings, just the evenings and weekends, i can't do it right now. I don't have a sitter on a regular basis, i can't afford childcare at a daycare, and Ruben can't do it. SOO, i'd have to either make a STUPID amount of money to cover the food stamps we would lose, the childcare we would need, PLUS the car payments and car insurance, or just not work right now and pray that the settlement comes in on time. If it doesn't i'm gonna have to try to get a loan from SOMEONE. No freaking clue who, but hey, i gotta make it work. Too much rides on that car (no pun intended) Without it Ruben can't get to work, we can't get groceries, we can get Ivy to schoon, etc. So yeah, gotta make it work!