I've never been easy to read. I'd like to say that i let myself be a lot more open now than i did before. I learned that holding things in can be a very bad thing. Secrets are meant to be kept, but not the ones that can lead to self destruction. I had my fair share of secrets. Most of them i never should have kept. I needed to let myself talk to someone, and i didn't. And that lead to all kinds of problems, but if you know me, you already know what most of them are.
I still have a hard time sometimes opening up when i need to :( It's not easy for me to trust people when i've had so many stab me in the back. I want someone i can really trust to talk to. Someone who i can tell something, and they won't instantly jump down my throat, or go blaber to someone else. i know i've got great friends, who i can tell a lot to. Don't get me wrong, i am happy to tell them most things. But there are things that i can't talk about with them. Things that they have helped me with before, and i don't want to dissapoint them i guess. It's frustrating, because i know i could tell them and they'd stick by me and help with it again. But i hate feeling like a burden. They deserve better than that, and now they all have their own lives, and their own problems, and they don't need to deal with mine too :( So i'm back to holding a lot in.
But i sure can put on a front. Most people, even those who really know me, don't know what i'm feeling half the time. I smile, and they believe i'm happy. I laugh, and they think i'm fine. Well, i am "FINE" but that can mean all kinds of different things, depending on circumstances beyond my control. If you know me, you know that much too.
Right now, i'm exausted. I had a long day of constant running. I woke up a bit early to spend a bit of time with Ruben and the girls, walked Ivy to school, then went over and helped a friend of mine clean on her kitchen (it wasn't NEARLY as bad as she thought it was) Then i came home and immediatly had to walk over and get Ivy. (damn traffic) and then we had to run to the store and get the money for the rent, then hit on-cue and get the money orders, then come back before the office closed and pay the rent. Then i made dinner. It was only after dinner, when i had myself a mini breakdown cause i was hurting and straight up exausted, that i finally got to stop for a little bit. Ruben ran me a nice hot bath, and i soaked long enough that i fell asleep in the tub. It was wonderful. Got out, changed clothes, watched another episode of Survivors (sometimes the BBC has some wonderful shows) Tucked Ruben into bed, Tucked Desiree into bed, and just kissed and hugged Ivy so she could go to bed. I'm about to follow. I've finally got some painkillers in me, and they are kicking in as we speak, thank goodness. So i'm gonna go crash out myself. Hopefully tomorrow i will feel like writing some more. I've got a lot on my mind, if i can ever catch it all, lol
NIGHT EVERYONE
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