Right now, i swear nothing is going the way it should. It's not going WRONG, but it's not going as planned.
Ruben's schedule has changed for this week. He has Thursday and Friday night off instead of friday and saturday. Not that it's HORRIBLE, but it's still going to be weird. We will just have to make it a point to do something with Ivy Friday after school since Ruben won't be home saturday.
And my plans for the weekend seem to have changed as well. I get so sick of being told that friends are coming to visit FOR SURE. And then someone closer to them invites them to do something they wanted to do more, and they cancel with me to go do that. I'm sorry, but am i not important too? If you make plans with me can you not tell the other friends that you will do it on another day, or another weekend? It just doesn't seem fair that you can cancel plans with me in the blink of an eye, but you can't do the same to others? You can't tell them NO? I mean, seriously, that's just bullshit. I wish you read this, because then you'd know for sure how i felt. It's exausting. And it HURTS! It's heartbreaking to get my hopes up over and over again, and then have them shattered every single time. YOU HAVE ONLY COME TO VISIT ME UP HERE 1 TIME! Once! Unless i'm coming down there, you don't make the time for me.
And it doesn't help that i'm super emotional today. Damn time of the month. Every little things has set me off and made me cry. Especially hearing the news that things got canceled yet again. The lonliness is starting to get BAD again. i don't have anybody to go do anything with because the majority of my friends are childless and always want to go do adult activities like late night movies or drinking at the bar. And the other friend i have who has a child has a very sick child who is fighting for his life every single day. So he can't do the same things that other children can for fear he will get deathly ill because of his immune system being so low. SOO, when it comes to doing something, it's with my husband, or my sister in law (and with her it's only every now and then). That's it.
And then this month my classes were canceled, so i didn't get to go to that. And they were helping quite a bit. It was a chance to get out of the house and do something i enjoyed doing, without having to worry about the kids. I don't get to do enough for me. Yeah, every now and then i get a good long bath. Or i get to go to the movies with my sister in law. But they are so few and far between that it doesn't help all that much. Getting to go out and help friends helps some, but even then it's more tiring than anything else. The one regular house for now is just me and the house. The two guys work, and the one girl sleeps the entire time i'm there. And if she's not sleeping, she's on the computer in the other room. I might have another house now, with another friend. And she was there the entire time last time, and would probably be all the time. So that was conversation, but it was frustrating because it wasn't enough.
I need to get out of the fucking house and go do something. And i'd love to be able to get out there and do something with another adult with me. I love my children, but at the same time, sometimes taking care of them is a bit overwhelming. Especially with everything else that i have going on most of the time. I keep up with the house, i do the laundry, i cook the meals, i get Ivy ready for school and walk her over there and pick her up, and there is other things that i take care of too. It's frustrating that when i ask for help i don't get it because i am supposed to be supermom or something. This weekend, since my other plans seem to have been canceled, it looks like it's just the girls and I. Since Ruben will be working that night, he will be sleeping all day, so i won't have him to do anything with. I will have both girls to keep occupied, so i will have to find something to take them to go do.
I might see if i can find my camera and take the girls to go take pictures somewhere pretty. Or start the day with the zoo, And then maybe later in the day go for a walk down by the canal and take some pics there. Get some ice cream or candy or something. I don't know. It's not like i have a bunch of money, so it can't be too much. The zoo would be 11 dollars for both girls and I to go. Which isn't too much. That would leave me 9 dollars out of the 20 i have to take them to go do something else, like maybe a 2 dollar movie if there is something worth watching. Or maybe we can get a good movie and some popcorn and a log for the fire, and have a good girls day in that afternoon. The zoo in the morning and the girls day in the afternoon doesn't sound too bad. I guess it just depends on what else is going on in the city. If i can find something else going on in the city that isn't too much that we haven't done at all and for not too much, we might try that.
Guess it's time to buckle down and get shit done. I might take my frustration out on my house if i can get my headache to go away. My headache and my bodyaches i guess i should say. I want to get started on the house so that it's spotless by the start of next week. I've got a lot of laundry that needs to find a place. Got a ton of stuff that needs sorting through in Ivy's bedroom. And a bunch of other things too. Just means that i've got to figure it out later.
So for now, i'm gonna get out of here and see if i can find something to do to help deal with these emotions without causing any trouble. UGH!
LYZ
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