poetry

Anybody who really knows me, knows about the guy i was engaged to who killed himself. I'm not giving details unless you ask. I don't want to make it all public and stuff. Aparently he's been on my mind a lot lately, because i sat down and started writing, and this is what came of it. Believe me when i say that none of them are meant to say that i'm depressed or anything like that. SO if it comes off that way, i'm sorry.

The hardest moments aren't the ones you'd think they would be. They are the simple moments. The slight smell of spring on the wind. The blossoms on the trees. The slightest touch of the breeze on my shoulder. It's sitting on a park bench just watching the world go by. Those are the moments when i miss you the most. It's when i'm completely alone, listening to music, and one of our favorite songs comes on the radio, and i find myself breaking down. I used to wonder why i was crying. I guess i didn't want to believe that you still had that much of a hold on me. I wanted to believe that i was past that, that i was stronger than that, that i could make it on my own without having you haunt me all the time. What i realize is that, no matter how long ago it was that you left, you are still here with me. In photos of our favorite places. In the songs we used to listen to most. In the smells that i can't seem to forget. In the smallest touch. You are there with me when i find myself tearing up over a quote i read from a movie or book. It is amazing how much i find that reminds me of you when i'm not even looking for it. I miss you more than i could ever put into words. i just hope that, wherever you are you realize that. When you died, i thought a part of me died with you. But what i realize now is that part of me didn't die with you. Part of you is living with me.

What hurts the most
What hurts the most isn't that you died. It's that you wouldn't let me help you. It's not that you could't see a reason to stay. It's that you wouldn't open your eyes and see. I never imagined my life without you. I thought we'd be together forever. You were the reason i woke up in the morning, and the last thing on my mind before i slept at night. You saved my life so many times i lost count. But i guess i wasn't good enough to save yours.

Finding that spark
I found a spark in me. A spark i thought had been out for a very long time. I had given up on being happy for so long I let the past control my mind, holding me back from what i could be, and what i deserved. I cried so many tears, if they were all put together, they'd be bigger than the oceans. But what i realize now, is that living life in grief is not living at all. I found two new reasons to be happy. And they are the two biggest parts of me. They are my beautiful daughters. Seeing them smile, hearing them laugh, watching them learn and grow. That is the most amazing thing i could ever have. And although you aren't here to enjoy them with me, i speak of you often. I tell them how i loved you. How much you meant to me. And also how much you hurt me, but how i've moved on and become a stronger person instead of letting myself fall into a hole and never come back. I have wonderful friends who are always there for me no matter what. I have wonderful family who remind me how wonderful I am, even on the days when i seem to forget that. So what i want to say is this; THank you. Thank you for giving me a chance to prove, not only to he world, but also to myself, that i am stronger than you could EVER be. Thank you for showing me that i'm perfect just the way i am, and that it's ok to have problems and make mistakes. Thank you for helping me learn that life IS worth living, and that there is so much beauty out there that i would have missed if i hadn't had the chance to get over you.