Emotional

The last few days have had me all emotional. I'm homesick as hell, and i know that i won't be able to make a trip down to arkansas for a long time. It kills me, because i really want to see my best friend, and my family, and some of the places i miss. But with no AC in the car, and nothing but 30-50 bucks free out of a check, a trip that distance just isn't that great of an idea. It is so not fair.

And on top of being all homesick, i'm still in a lot of pain from whatever i did to reinjure the car accident injury. And it's starting to make me angry. I get upset over stupid little things. And feeling like i'm falling apart is just not fair at all. I did so good for so long, keeping up with the house, paying all the bills on time (or as soon as we had the money) keeping the girls from going stir crazy, and with the bugs in their hair. But the last week or two though, i've completely lost it. I can't keep up with ANYTHING, let alone the major things. I mean, i've made sure that bills are paid. Keeping a roof over my head is a major concern. But as far as getting out and doing things, it hasn't happened all that much. I have needed to rewash the girls hair for the last three weeks, and haven't gotten around to it. Both girls need their hair brushed out, but i just don't have the strength to get it done. I feel like i'm falling apart, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually too. It's hard to get up in the morning again.

I guess i should have seen it coming. I had that major manic episode not too long ago. And it is ALWAYS followed by a major depressed mood. I find myself freaking out over little things. constantly wondering what people think of me, and i always feel like i'm not good enough or that i can't do anything right.

I need to just suck it up and ask for help. I need to get Desiree in for her immunization appointment we've put off for so long, and Ivy needs to get to the dentist, both for a cleaning and to try to replace the cap on her tooth that came off. But just thinking about making those phone calls makes me feel all guilty. I shoudl have kept up with it. What am i gonna say if they are all like "well, it's been too long and we can't see her anymore"? I mean, that would break my heart. She loves her dentist. If we had to start over though, i meah, i'd do it. I'd take them up sunnylane to ocean dental and hopefully they'd take her this time. Last time her teeth were too bad. And the doc would probably treat me like the health department. "Why wasn't she kept up to date on her shots?". Well, i have a major anxiety dissorder that keeps me from doing things that i most people take for granted.

I can't make phone calls to set up appointments.
I can't even think about asking for help without a panic attack
i can't ride in the passanger seat of the car without freaking out
Any time i have to pay partial rent and set up a defered payment, i freak out

And i know that most of those are totally illogical fears. Trust me, if i could snap my fingers and make them all go away, i woudl have done it a long time ago. I guess i just need to get ahold of someone who can get me into a doctor for not a whole lot of money, and get some anxiety meds. Maybe the next time i clean a house and have the 25 bucks to spare, i'll see if my mother in law will make an appointment at the clinic she goes to so i can get some. Might have to have Ruben as about that too though, cause i'm not sure i'd be able to ask her to do that for me. UGH!

Just for the record, random unwaranted panic attacks SUCK! Just sayin. I'm having one right now, and i bet it is coming on because i'm talking about all the things that freak me out.

Neway, i need to get off the computer and lay back down. My hip and leg are starting to hurt again, and i don't want to become uber bitch again. LATERS