the mirror only shows the person i am on the outside. The smile you see painted across my face hides so much more. I'm not a sad depressed person. Honestly, i just feel like i'm stuck in a rut i can't find a way out of. I keep doing things over and over and over, expecting something new to happen. Isn't that the definition of insanity? IDK, maybe i have gone insane. I think i've just gone bored. There isn't anything new that happens in my life. Nowhere new to go, nobody new to hang out with, nobody that makes the effort for ME that i am expected to make for them. I get so tired, so frustrated, and just want to give up. When i go out of my way to make plans, find a sitter, get dressed up, and wait, only to find out you canceled on me to go out with your OTHER friends? Do you have any idea how much that hurts? How much it SUCKS to be that person?
Planning parties just doesn't happen as far as i'm concerned. Nobody has shown to a single one i've ever thrown. A least, not for ME. Ivy did have a couple of people show up to her birthday party we had a while back, but not that many. There were three kids there other than her. He cousin Vicky, My friends daughter, Hope, and ONE girl from her class, Ryan. Yep, thats it. I know we had that happen a lot when we were younger. Everyone else could plan a party, and EVERYONE would show up, with guest, to enjoy their company. But we would plan a party, and NOBODY would show up. It was exhausting, and frustrating. It just makes me feel like nobody really gives a shit about me or how i feel or what I want to do. It's all about themselves. Heck, even the other mothers never seem to find the time to go do things that are children oriented. And if THEY go do something that the kids can go to, i STILL don't get a call. It really sucks. Even if i can't always make it, it would just be nice on occassion to get an invite, ya know? Just to be reminded that people DO still remember me. But whatever. I guess that's expecting too much, because even though i've said it so many times i lost count, it has yet to happen.
Maybe i can just find the funds to make a trip to arkansas, spend a while with Sifu and Taitai, see Cassie and Amy and Ashley, visit some of the older places we used to love to visit. Get to see people we haven't seen in a while. That would be nice. BEING BROKE SUCKS! BLAH
Ok, enough. this is just pissing me off more. Time to go take my frustration and anxiety out on my house. LATERS
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