Fear

Fears are the chains that bind. They hold me back from being something better. The cause me more problems then they are worth. I struggle against them, fight for dear life, reaching for a hand that never seems to be there when i need it. I keep grasping for someone to pull me up, and all i come back with is a hand full of air. The chains of fear grow tighter and tighter, and heavier and heavier, dragging me back down when i've fought so hard to get away from the bottom they chain me to.

I've lost friends because of it. I've lost other friends trust because of it. I've lost ME because of it. I once was a strong, self sufficient person, unafraid of much at all. I knew who i was, and where i wanted to go with my life. And now, fear defines me. Fear of the unknown, fear of being judged, fear of being unwanted, fear of being unloved. Fear of falling when i try something new. Fear of being left all alone because of the things i do. It breaks my heart to know that no matter how hard i try, those fears are ripping my world apart. No matter how much i talk about them, and try to face them, i'm still the scared little girl in the corner, afraid to move an inch for fear of falling.

I want to be the self sufficient, happy, healthy, not stressed all the time girl i used to be. I want to be able to walk out the door and not worry about what others think or see or hear. I want to walk out the door and hold my head up high, and not just ACT like i'm ok. I want to BE ok again. I can't do that with the fears holding me down and back and away from the world. I'm terrified of loseing what little of me i have left. I don't even know where to begin to start looking for it again. It feels like the world doesn't care. Like i've been forgotten anyway, what does it matter if i fall down a deep dark whole and drown?

I'm better than that. i know i am. I know i will be happy again. I know i can be a better person, who isn't dictated by the fears that have held me down for so long. I know i can build a friendship, and not have to worry about doing something to tear that friendship apart. Tonight, i came clean about a lie i'd told a while back for fear of being judged for something i'd done. And the friend i came clean to told me that he doesn't trust me anymore. And to be honest, how could he? Why SHOULD he? I lied. I hid something that shouldn't have been hidden. Especially from him, because he's been there for me through SO much more than that. But now it's been broken. How can he ever trust ANYTHING i say again? Just means i have one less person to talk to about certain things, because what if he doesn't believe anything i say anymore? I'm not sure i'd be able to allow myself to open up again, knowing full well now that he has trust issues with me..

And now the depression of the situation kicks in. Not doing too well with it either. Can't talk to him about it. Nobody else is awake. I sit here with an elephant sitting on my chest, and a whole where my heart used to be. I can tell i need to cry, but for some reason the tears just won't come. In their place are the evil thoughts. The things i know i cna't do, because they cause more trouble than the solve. Just wish i were able to call someone about it, no matter what time it was, without feeling like i'm imposing. Guess that's why i sat down to write about it. Maybe this can help me let go a bit, and let the tears finally come out. It needs to happen. If they build up behind my eyes for much longer, the pressure will be too much to take, and that's when the stupid shit starts to happen. And i've made more promises than i can count that i won't do that again. And i can't break THAT promise, or i'd lose EVERYONE. Just gotta keep breathing. It can't last forever.

Sit with it. Think about it. FEEL it. Accept that you're frustrated, and stressed, and allow yourself to have the panic attack. Only then will the anxiety start to fade, and you will realize that it's not the end of the world. It's just the end of the situation. And it will be, soon enough. For now, i need to go try to get rid of these stupid thoughts, and cry a little. LATERS