so very many thoughts

My mind has been racing all day long. So many thoughts that it's hard to catch a single one. Thinking about money problems. Thinking about things that might or might not happen. Wondering how in the hell we'd make it work if it did. It's scary, and frustrating, and so intense that i can feel the panic swelling up as i type this all. I know most of the things i freak out about won't happen. But it's the few that do that worry me most. I keep having that thought pop up. you know the one. The "But it's all happened before, so i'm sure it will happen again" thought. Waiting on the other shoe to drop. Wondering if i'll be able to pick up the pieces this time. I've got so many cracks from so many broken dreams, that the thought of it breaking one more time scares me. If it does break, i have a feeling it will shatter. And when it shatters, the pieces are too small to pick up. And they are definently too small to put back together. I am hanging on by a thread, and that thread is starting to unravel.

I'm freaking out about the possibility of Ruben getting his paycheck garnished because of the damn car being reposessed. I'm freaking out about what might happen if that DOES happen, like me having to find a job, or us having to move. Both of which terrify me. i can't breathe just thinking about it. HOPEFULLY we can make it work without coming to that. I'm just not sure how at this time. I have to figure it out as it happens. Stressing about something that might or might not happen isn't going to accomplish anything.

I stress out over how my house looks. How the car runs. How high the bills try to get. About my physical and mental state. i worry about Ivy and how nervous and anxious she gets too. I worry about the fact my anxiety has gotten in the way of me taking care of the girls right. I have to find time to get Desiree's shots, and Ivy's teeth taken care of. But first i have to find some way to get over this damn anxiety. I need to just see if Ruben wont' make the phone calls for me, so i can get it taken care of. I might see if there is any way to change their PCP and dentist online, so i can just start over, possibly closer to the house. Since it takes so long to make an appointment at the doctors, i really want to change their doc. I guess we will see what happens.

Neway, right now, i've gotta go peel some potatoes and start dinner. And take some more meds. Stupid headache, and body ache, and anxiety. Just make it all go away. LATERS