Life, and secrets

Lately things have been going crazy.  Some people know about it.  Most don't.  It's not that it's not important or anything.  If anything, it's too important.  It's something that I don't think people really need to know about.  Too many questions and concerned looks, and that bothers me.  So i've let a select few know a select few things.  I thought I could trust those friends to keep it quiet and help me through it and not take it all personally, but I guess i was wrong.  And an argument with one of those friends last night made that very very clear.  It's frustrating, to say the least.  I don't need people to tell me what to do or how to handle things.  I need people to listen to me.  To let me talk it out with another person.  And then to let me go and make my own choices, even if they don't agree with those choices.  I'm not a little kid anymore.  Please stop treating me like one, k?

I have been super emotional as of late.  Way too many things going on all at once, and I just can't handle it all.  I just have to keep reminding myself that it will be over soon.  That, as long as we work hard and do the best we can, life will settle down again soon.  We are just over a month away from the end of the garnishment (at least from how I understand it).  We just have to make it through the next month, and then hopefully we can make it back to being stable and able to keep our two feet under us.

I wish I could open up and say everything that's on my mind.  To come clean about everything, and not hide anything anymore.  But for some reason this stupid anxiety keeps kicking my ass, and I can't do it.  Even though I want to SOOOO freaking bad, when I start to say it, it comes back to kick me in the head and I have a panic attack and I just can't do it.  I'm terrified of what would happen, and what they would think of me.  I don't know why I do these things, or say these things.  I wish I could change it and always come straight out and say everything that needs to be said instead of holding it in.  But alas, I cannot. And it's frustrating.

Maybe someday I can get over it and do what needs to be done.  Either that, or life will do it for me and everything will come crashing down around me.  I've built a very unstable house of cards, and a single wrong move and it could all come crashing down around me.  And that's terrifying.  UGH!

For now, I'm gonna go write some more.  Some things I need to get out that I don't want everyone knowing about.

If you're reading this, take a moment to send a prayer, or chant, or well wishes, or good energy, or whatever positive thing you can my direction.  I need all the help I can get right now. 

LOVE YOU ALL
LYZ