Life as I know it

Neptune by Inertiak

Life isn't just about the big moments that knock you off your feet.  At least, it's not for me.  Especially after this last year, when things I used to take for granted became CRAZY hard some days.  Like just getting dressed, or walking Ivy to school, or cleaning house.  Things I used to do without even thinking about them, and now there are days were every step is so painful I just wanna cry. 

You start to appreciate the small things when life throws a curve ball like that at you.  You start to realize just how awesome it is to sit in front of the TV with a wii controller and play Mario Cart, or Super Mario Brothers.  You start to realize it's ok if the house is a bit cluttered today because you'll get to it on your next good day.  You start to appreciate the good things that others do for you just because they WANT to, because they are your friend.  And that's an awesome feeling.  You start to realize just how AWESOME a hug from your mini me(s) can feel when you're hurting so bad you just wanna cry.

And you realize that the big things will be even bigger.  And the small things you used to stress over won't matter as much anymore.  You won't take any moment for granted any more.  You'll realize that dancing like a fool to your favorite song is ok when it's a good day and you actually feel like dancing.  These are all little things that I used to think were stupid, or insignificant.  And yet here I am, a year later, realizing just how wrong i've been for so long. 

My daughters are growing too damn fast, and these moments won't happen again.  There will come a day when the oldest won't want me to give her a hug when her friends can see.  Or she will fight me over what she wants to wear to school, or to the mall, and the days where she asked me to pick her clothes out for her will be over.  There will come a day when they won't NEED me anymore.  And that's heartbreaking to think about when that's all my life has been for the last 5 years.  So I'm taking every moment one second at a time, and learning to really FEEL the moments.  The good things aren't always here to stay, and I'm learning to take them as they come and appreciate them for what they are.

I still have super emotional days.  Don't get me wrong.  I used to be super active - chasing my kids around the park, or jogging through downtown.  And now I do good to take a WALK through downtown for any length of time without ending up in a ball on the couch bawling my eyes out because of how much it hurts.  There are days where I have to - GASP - ask for help! I used to HATE that.  I wouldn't ask for help unless it was last minute and had something to do with my girlies needing something.  Like a roof over their heads, or clothes on their backs, or food in their stomach.  But now there are days when I NEED help.  Just changing pants, or getting my shirt off, or getting in and out of the bathtub.  And it's those days where I just curl up and cry because of how HORRIBLE I feel.  I feel like a burden on those days.  (Logically I know I'm not - because I have awesome friends and family who are always there for me no matter what, but still.....) 

So yeah, i do cry.  Yeah, I do feel sorry for myself.  And Yes, i even get tempted to do the things I used to do to forget the world existed for a while.  And I will admit, I've come dangerously close to actually doing them.  But my friends have the most uncanny ability to tell when something is wrong, and they always text or message or call mere moments before I was going to get up and go do whatever it was I was thinking about.  And for that, i will be forever thankful.  Just know that I love you guys.  And I always will.

And I know I'm human.  And being upset is only part of human nature.  And I know it's ok to THINK about those things, as long as when the time comes I'm strong enough to say no.  And I know it's ok that I'm not some days, because I have great friends and family there to help hold me up when i'm about to fall on my face.  And I know it's ok to not be happy all the time.  That it's ok to cry, or scream, or be angry as all hell.  And I know it's ok to let that all out, because bottling it all up causes come horrible concequences.  So i let them out, and I recover, and I'm a better person for it. 

Life as I know it has changed DRASTICALLY over the last year.  Sometimes for the better.  Sometimes for the worse.  But every change has shown me the love, and laughter, and bright spots in my life in one way or another.  So while I may not LIKE what's going on (in fact, there are moments I HATE HATE HATE it) It's making me a stronger, better, happines person (most of the time).  And I'm thankful as hell for that.

You are my lifeline

you are my love

You are my gifts

sent from above

And no matter what happens

Or how far apart

you will always be there

held tight in my heart.

For you are my friends

till the end of all time

And I am so thankful

That I call you mine

LOVE YOU GUYS

LYZ