Sitting, waiting, wishing

I've been sitting here all day doing a LOT of thinking.  Thinking about how grateful I am for the amazing friends and family I've got.  Thinking about how we are truly lucky in this day and age to be able to say we still have a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, and clothes on our backs.  There are people out there - in this city and in cities all across America - that can't say that they have even those basic necessities.  And that breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart that I have friends and family that will go out of their way to do whatever they can to help me, and I'm not really able to extend the same to anybody else.  I'd love to be able to go out and help those in this city with a new pair of shoes and a hot meal, but we just can't do that.  I do whatever I can whenever I can, but it never seems to be enough to say thank you for everything we've been given. 

I've been waiting for the day when I feel "normal" again.  When i'm able to play with my kids without feeling completely out of breath less than five minutes into it.  When I can walk through the city for more than half an hour before my legs decide they are done and I have to sit down.  Waiting for the moments when I don't have to worry about any of that.  And I've been waiting for the chance to actually contribute more to the household on a daily basis.  Ruben says I do enough, but sometimes it just doesn't feel that way to me because there is so much that I could still be doing.  But between my anxiety, and my physical problems, i just can't seem to keep up.  I hope that everything works out and I can get to the doc on an actual regular basis without costing me an arm and a leg, and afford ALL the medication I need without having to borrow money or go out to the county pharmacy.  HOPEFULLY that will be soon, since Ruben's job is FINALLY getting their asses together to get the company insurance taken care of.  So HOPEFULLY that happens soon, and it's not TOO much so we can actually good and afford it.  Guess we will see huh?

And I've been wishing for things to be a little different.  Not SUPER different - I love my life, and my family and friends, and this city.  Just things that are causing frustration need to be different.  Wishing the car could actually drive on the interstate.  Wishing the car had AC.  Wishing we had the stuff we need to organize all the awesome stuff we have in this house.  Wishing I could visit Arkansas more often and see my friends, or that they could come see me.  Wishing friends from other states could come to visit sometimes too - cause I'd love to get to see them in person at least once for a few of them, and again after a LONG time with afew others.  Maybe sometime in the future we can actually afford to make the trips I want to make to visit friends in other states.  Just have to see if that happens or not with the way the last few years have seemed to be going, cause it's been one crazy ride, haha.

And now I gotta get off my butt and clean the kitchen, figure out what's for dinner, and wake Ruben up.  Then it's dinner time, the girls need a bath, and then HOPEFULLY an early bedtime for them cause they are driving me CRAZY, haha.

Please, please, please send prayers to one of my friends.  He was in a car accident last night and is currently in the hospital.  Docs say he's probably gonna be there for a couple days.  Gonna go visit him tomorrow morning and see how he's holding up.  Juse pray that he will be ok - they are keeping him to make sure he doens't have any internal injuries from the seatbelt so that makes me think it was worse than he explained over the phone. :(  Thanks guys.

LOVE YOU GUYS