Beautiful Disaster

Ok, before you read this let me make something clear about this post:  Anything dark or depressing, or anything that sounds crazy, does NOT mean that there's something wrong.  I'll explain a little better.

The thing I hate most about MY manic depression, Bi-polar moments is that I can go from SUPER happy go lucky, to DEEP depression in a matter of moments, and at the slightest provocation.  BUT, that does not in any way, shape, or form mean that I'm actually depressed or super unhappy with my life.

I have a great life.  Great Husband, Great Kids, Great Friends, and just a great life.  I really can't complain about my life at all.

However, there are times that little things seem to pile up and cluster together in my brain, and it sets off the depression.  Pisses me off, because I have NO REASON to be depressed.  No medicine I've tried has helped.  The meds I take for Mania help the mania, but when the mania goes away the depression usually takes over for a while.  And I do my best to look at the good things in my life, and most of the time that helps. 

I've been really good.  Before - if/ when I'd hit the depression I'd run to the bottle or the blade, or something worse.  I'd cut so many little cuts down my arms and legs that I'd have to wear long sleeves in the summer just to hide them all to avoid all the questions from the people who don't understand.  I'd have to stay inside for days at a time because if I stepped in public I'd be too drunk or messed up, and I'd end up in jail or making a fool out of myself.  I was an embarrasment - to my friends and family, but most of all to my children.  And I still regret those days.  

Now though, YEARS later, I still find myself so tempted to do those things again when moods like the one I'm in now hit.  I won't.  For a couple reasons.  The stupid reason - I can't afford it.  The REAL reasons - I know it's bad for me, I have people that look up to me, and I'm better than that.  But still.  It likes to claw at the back of my brain - trying to remind me how easy it was to just drink myself numb and forget all this BS i feel in this mood. 

And it's setting off a few things that I wish I could just snap my fingers and make disappear because it really hinders my ability to be human, heh.

ANXIETY:

Stressing about Desi's shots.  Stressing about getting her enrolled in school, and Ivy too.  Stressing about my body acting up.  Stressing about what I'll do once the girls are in school and Ruben's sleeping during the week for work.  Stressing about how messy the house is (even though it's really not THAT bad)

FEAR

OCD moments are back.  Triple checking all the doors and windows before bed.  Triple - or more - checking the stoce and other appliences in the house.  Making sure that everything is turned off, locked up, safe.  Washing my hands the MOMENT they get dirty, or freaking out if I can't. Having to fold and refold laundry until it's perfect, and making sure it's put up where it's supposed to be right away.  Making sure the kitchen and bathrooms are spotless (the rest of the house is overwhelming right now).  Freaking out in the car at every little things.  Just stupid things like that.  And I KNOW they are stupid.  And I know I shouldn't worry about it, but there's the complusion to do it - and if I don't I have the WORST panic attacks.  SUCKY!

SADNESS

I am BEYOND homesick right now.  Missing friends and family from Arkansas.  Upset I had to miss my sisters baby shower.  (at least I'll get to see her not long after the baby is born - depending on what day it's born) Missing my best friends - Cassie and Ashley - something fierce.  Which makes the lonliness up here that much worse.  I rarely get to hang out with ANYBODY for any length of time up here.  I love the girls, but that's a lot of the reason why I can't.  I just wish I had more friends that knew how frustrating it is to have the kids, no real babysitter (which means I have to bring them EVERYWHERE) and no way to change the babysitter thing.  So most of what I can do on a daily basis has to consist of something for the kids to do.  Kinda frustrating.  Just depressed.  HATE being alone, but Ruben can't really change jobs right now.  He doesn't really have time to job hunt even if he wanted to, which I don't think he does.  He basically gets paid for 8 hours of work and only actually works MAYBE 3 hours a night.  So yeah.  Just sucks to be so damn lonly.  HOPEFULLY I can visit friends, or they can visit me, soon.

EXHAUSTION

I have absolutely NO motivation AT ALL right now.  The house is cluttered, but I just don't care enough to get up and do anything.  Dishes need to be done, and I'll end up rushing through them last minute ot make dinner.  Just don't want to do anything - which is gonna make this LONG week even longer.  UGH!

And I truly have NO IDEA what set it off this time.  Maybe it was music.  Thinking too much.  Writing.  I honestly don't have a clue.  I just know it's damn frustrating.

For now, i think I'm gonna curl up and take a little nap.  That will HOPEFULLY give me some motivation to get shit done.  BLAH!  Laters!