First step down the path to being truly OK

For most of my life I've told everyone I'm ok.

I've painted on my smile, gone through the motions, and just did what I had to do to make it through the day without anybody knowing any different.  I was strong because I thought I had to be. I thought nobody would give a damn about anything I was going through, so why burden them with it? 

 

You know, that was probably the dumbest thing I ever did.



 

I know now that the people in my life who are my TRUE friends don't give a damn what I'm going through. They are going to be there for me through thick and thin, and always help me however they can.  They are my rock when I feel like I'm sand being washed away by the waves. And I can't say thank you enough. 

 

Today I took the first step down a path that I know is going to be long and exhausting and hard as hell. I went to Red Rock Behavioral health services center in OKC. I went through the screening process - where they ask what's wrong, what caused it, what I've been trying to do about it, and what I think I need the most help with. There were a TON of questions that were super hard. Even broke down and cried a few times - which I HATE doing. I hate crying in front of ANYBODY, especially when it's someone I don't really know yet.

 

But I got it all out. I said what I NEEDED to say, and took that first step. And I am proud of myself for that.  Now I'm on the right path to get what I need to get done DONE.

 

My intake up there is November 10th first thing in the morning. I'm a little nervous about that too. I have no clue what's going to happen, or what they are going to say or do.  And that always scares me.  But I know I'm going to do whatever it takes to actually get well this time. No more hiding behind a painted smile.  No more pushing it off as "eeh, it's nothing". It's time to put my big girl panties on and actually get it done. It's time to be the Sheep DOG, and not just the sheep.  (thanks Brett for that illustration).  I know if I broke my arm I'd go to the hospital and get it taken care of. This is the same thing. My brain is broken, so it's time to get it fixed.

 

I seriously have the most amazing support group. Both for my MS, and now for my mental stuff. I get to see my neurologist for free. I get my medication for free (well, the IMPORTANT medication).  I have a lawyer willing to fight for my disability. And now I have a mental health support team too. I'll have a psych, and Doc, and a case manager.  Add that to my amazing friends and family, and I've got this!  I know I can do it. I know it's going to be hard, but I know I got this!

 

For now, time to crank up some music and try to distract myself.

It's been a LONG hard emotional day and I need something to take my mind off all of it.

LATER TATER!