Ramblings of a dreamer: Gotta hold on

Just gotta keep pushing through, even though all I want to do is curl up and disappear for a while. I don't want to die. I could never do that to those I love. But it would be wonderful to disappear into oblivion for a while and forget the world exists.

Depression is a bitch. Especially when there is no real reason to feel this way. Compared to how life was after we first got together, life is fantastic. We have a roof over our head, food in our stomachs, the girls are doing pretty good (not great, but yeah) in school, Hubby just got a new job at the hotel he works at, and the end of the year is coming up fast. But at the same time, I see the negative too. Our car isn't working very well. The girls are both fighting with one subject each, and I don't know how to help them. It's been over 10 months since this "flare" started, and it hasn't really gotten any better despite taking meds that are supposed to slow it down. And we are doing good to barely make the bills, and I can't do a damn thing to help with that.

I have great friends, and a wonderful support group. Friends that go out of their way to do whatever they can to help.

But at the same time, I'm supposed to be Super Mom! Super Wife! Super Friend! And I can't be any of them right now. I barely get to see my friends, I can only do so much before my body rebels and I can't do anything else to help hubby around the house. I can't play with the kids like I used to. I feel like a hot mess. A broken toy that nobody wants to keep around. Who would love me now? Yeah, illogical brain is TONS of fun - NOT!.

I finally reached out and talked to the local mental help center - Red Rock. Went and had my screening last week, and I go in for intake next week. I'm nervous as hell! But I know I need real help. So even through the fear, I reached out. I actually admit I have a problem now. I admit that things are wrong that I can't fix, that I can't deal with. And it is amazing to me just how many people are standing up and supporting me. I was so afraid for so long to tell anybody because I thought they would judge me. And instead I have amazing friends and family that have come out to show their support.

So yeah, I am depressed as hell right now. But one week from now I will start the path to getting better. It's going to be a long road, I know that. But I know I deserve better, my family deserves better, my friends deserve better. We all deserve for me to be OK. I'm not ok yet, but I am bound and determined to be ok. Damnit, I deserve that right?

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Ok, time for some music. Probably repeats of stuff I've posted before, but this is the stuff that means something to me right now

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