writing poetry in the dark

It's been a while since I've shared any of my poetry

for some reason I'm always afraid of what people will think.

But I think I'm going to share some today



 

Please be gentle

These are things I deal with every day

And I'm sharing then with you

 

Ok, most aren't actually poetry more than prose, but I'm still going to share then with you.  These are the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis, and I've finally let myself put them down in words. Seriously though, please be gentle. Read with a grain of salt and a little compassion. Know that these are just thoughts, and I'd never really act on anything bad.

I'm in the process of getting help.

I will be ok because I want to be ok

I will make it because I want to make it

And sometimes writing is the only way to show it

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

ACTRESS

 

You think you see me

You think you know the truth

but you see what I want you to see

You see the smile

You hear the laughter

You hear the words I choose to say

But it all hides such darkness

It hides pain, and fear

It hides the truth

Behind a beautiful painting

It'd be so easy, ya know?

To just not wake up tomorrow

To slip into oblivion, and be done

It would be SO FUCKING EASY

But I don't

Because I care about you

even if I don't really care about me

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

CAN YOU SEE ME?

 

Can you hear me screaming

although I speak no words

 

All I can do is smile

My eyes are hollow

My soul is empty

my heart is full of rain

 

Can you see in the dark

through the anger

through the fear

through the hatred

through the tears?

 

can you see me?

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

NUMB

 

I went numb that night
the night you went away

he left nothing to trip on

so I didn't fall

 

I just kept floating

Feeling nothing but blame

nothing but pain

nothing good at all

 

I can't find the feelings

I was shattered that night

Shattered like a broken mirror

 

I just want to use the pieces

To end it all

But I'm just too numb to care

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

BECAUSE

 

Because music is better loud

Because life is better when there is risk

because Rum tastes so damn good

because pills make the pain stop

because being numb is better

than hurting so bad

Because I think I'm a bad person

Because I know I'm wrong

and I just don't care

Because the last line is the most important

but I just don't want this to end

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

GO AWAY!

 

Remember what you said to me

the night you went away?

you said "I love you beautiful

And I know you will be ok"

But you left behind a hole

that nothing else can fill

You took with you my power

and you took away my will

I spend my nights crying

Drowning in my tears

and I can't seem to make it stop

even after all these years

And all I feel is pain

and a rage hot as the sun

So I have to say I HATE YOU

And that can't be undone

But I will be ok

Soon as you go away.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

Now, gonna play catch up on my month of thanks posts. Haven't really posted anything about it yet, so I've got 4 days to catch up on, lol.

 

Nov 1 - I am thankful for my beautiful daughters. They love me just as I am, unconditionally, and I know that will never change. Their hugs can make the world a better place.  So when the world is going crazy, I just ask for a hug and all the bad disappears.

 

Nov 2 - I am thankful for my amazing husband. He puts up with so much to make sure we are supported, and safe.  He works a job he doesn't really like, puts up with my crap, handles the kids, and the house, and does it to the best of his ability.  And I love him for it.

 

Nov 3 - I am thankful for my AMAZING friends. They go out of their way to make sure I'm safe. To make sure I feel loved. To make sure I see the good things in my life when all I can see are the bad things. They show me how good a person I am, even when I feel like a worthless human. And I would be nothing without all they do for me!

 

Nov 4 - I am thankful for my amazing medical support team.  My neurologist, the medicine company, The MSAA, Red Rock.  They all do whatever they need to do to make sure I am safe, and happy, and healthy. And I am thankful for them. I can't even put it into words.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

Today is shot day, but thanks to amazing friends helping me out, it's not all that bad. Still achy, still have a headache, and still just feel blah.  But that's gonna happen every shot day, so I'm starting to get used to that, heh.  I hope that it gets less as the weeks go on, but I'm not betting on it.  But I guess we will see, lol.

 

Bout time to get the girls from school, then gonna come home and try to distract myself for a while.  I know it can be a good day DESPITE it being Shot day, heh.  So I'm out for a while.  HOPE EVERYONE HAS AN AMAZING DAY!  And thank you for reading.

 

LATER TATER!